“Kelly Osbourne has done everything from television to music to radio to fashion,” said Hollywood problem solver, Judith Traherne. “But and she stinks at everything. We even gave her a little nip and a tuck here and there and all we come up with is a frumpy no-talent who looks like she has had a make-over at the Clinique counter in Macy’s — kind of like a younger Susuan Boyle, but without the inner beauty and singing voice.
“As for the brother Jack, well you can’t put lipstick on a pig, ” continued Traherne. “He’s just a horror show. He has tried any angle to get famous short of sending himself up in a loose balloon. He thought he was a heavy metal singer and then he tried to be an adrenaline junkie but the whole foray was just junky.
“It’s hard to tell an Icon like Ozzie that his two “TV” kids (he has others) have absolutely no talent or charm. They’re just horror shows. Would you want to tell that shaky old man that as soon as the cameras panned to his gruesome kids, the ratings on his original reality show dropped harder than Randy Quaid’s scores on a mental proficiency test?”
We here at TheDamienZone blame the mother’s (Sharon) genes for the extreme lack of talent or charm that has been inherited by these two ghastly creatures. Sharon is just a nobody who became a somebody because of Ozzie. In reality, she is just a less sickening version of Yoko Ono — but not by much. She is kind of plucky and fun in a local, community theater kind of way, but she does not belong on national television. Some people like her, and our answer to that is that Americans eventually learn to like everything put before them because they are bored to death. We believe that Sharon Osbourne’s ordinary likeableness was not enough to overcome the genetic fact that her kids are unbearably untalented and uninteresting.
Jack Osbourne is indeed a talent and visual horror — and that’s okay. He has tried, but if he is still trying, he better forget it. The sister Kelly is “out there” too much and has become what the press calls “a media celebrity” which is another way of saying that she is famous for being famous and has no talent otherwise. Her band got a lot of media attention via dad but it fell flat on it’s face because SHE HAS NO TALENT OR ALLURE!!!!!!!
“We got the ugly boy son to lose 200 pounds and we totally tried to fix up this chunky chipmunk daughter,” said Dr. Brian Donleavy from his office in New York. “Not every kid can be talented and that’s the problem with reality shows. The kids are useless and maybe the Osbournes should think of disowning them or leaving them with police in Tennessee. You can’t run around Hollywood and London with ugly kids — it just isn’t done. ”
“Take Nicholas Simmons, the son of Kiss icon Gene Simmons. Nick is attractive and actually kind of funny. His band and his music career will go nowhere because he ha sno talent in that direction, but we don’t have that account so maybe if he reads this he will get some free medical advice. The thing that Nick has going for him is that he is good to the camera and he is giggly funny. Will he stay funny and interesting? Yes? Because you are born with that, but Ozzie’s kids ain’t got shit going for them — and I’m a doctor for chrissakes. Don’t you think I would know?”
Hollywood first started to realize that talent does not continue with their children. Aside from Lon Cheney Jr and Alan Hale Jr., it was all downhill — and those two were just pale imitations of their fathers.
We here at the TheDamienZone place the biggest blame on Liza Minelli, Jamie Lee Curtis, Carrie Fisher — the list goes on and on but ends with the pinnacle of no talent — LUCI ARNAZ jr.
“The aforementioned people are simply untalented and unlikeable,” stated Ms. Traherne, “But like any creature thrown into a show-biz milieu, they eventually figure out how to seem professional because they have been immersed in that since birth. Eventually the public figures out that these Hollywood kids are talentless, but by then it’s too late and a few non discerning simpletons out in TV Land see them as famous and talented.”
“Jamie Lee Curtis is a great actress,” shrieked Long Island hair dresser Michi Garatullo, owner of Michi’s Salon and Spa in Great Neck, New York. “Youse are all just jealous of her and youse better get outta my shop before I call the cops — ah fa nabala.”
So before the Osbournes start yelling at TheDamienZone.com, they should go to Luci Arnaz’s house and blame her. She is the queen of the untalented celebrity children. Liza has more fame because her mother’s talents were enough to cover up for a century of wanna-be celebrity descendants, but Luci is the worst. She even keeps moving her mother’s ashes around so that people don’t forget her, and when we say “her” we don’t mean Lucille Ball, we mean Luci Arnaz. Ya know, Kelly Osbourne is kind of a 1960’s version of Luci Arnaz, but Luci was tall and had a nice figure — Kelly is a dump and her brother is a total horror.