Jeopardy Champ Amy Schneider – Her Secret Identity Revealed
Written for the Damien Zone by David D Mattia
Amy Schneider’s Jeopardy winning streak could become the longest in the history of the game show that American simpletons believe is the world’s truest indicator of intelligence.
Jeopardy, however, is not a sign of intelligence at all. It’s a show, and like all shows, there is an element of dullness to the contestants. You might even call them “nitwits” – especially when they get that 30-second interview spot after the first commercial break. Man, are these people dullards or what?
Think about it? Why do they all have such mundane jobs and why are their brief interview stories so bland and uninteresting?
“…one time we went to the zoo and there was a monkey who looked exactly like my Uncle Kevin. When we walked around the cage, we saw that the monkey’s name was indeed Kevin.”
The audience fake-chuckles because the shows prompter tells them to chuckle. Then the host spouts out a snarky response that was pre-prepared by the show’s writers.
Highly intelligent people usually have interesting stories to tell. Add a little creativity to that intelligence and you get some carefully crafted personal experience blurbs.
So far, throughout the 100 years of Jeopardy, not one single contestant has had an interesting story or a fascinating job. Heck, even Amy is just a gal who works for a computer company… or does she? Is Amy just another ho-hum career gal, or is there more to her story than a 30-second blurb about a cat?
We’ll get back to that mystery in a minute.
Anyway, the truth is that answering trivial questions is not a sign of intelligence. It’s a sign of a photographic memory.
So far, we don’t know how far Amy’s streak will go, but what we now know is that when she flashes that pearly neck of hers, after giving yet another correct answer, there is a hidden secret behind that girl-ish blush that could put her future on Jeopardy in Jeopardy.
So many questions are unanswered until now.
Recently, there have been rumors that Amy is being fed the answers before or during the show. The foundation behind these rumors lies in the fact that Amy will sometimes pronounce an answer phonetically – as if she is reading it or has seen it on a piece of paper. Perhaps it’s a word she doesn’t know, or a word with an unusual foreign pronunciation. Still, the phonetic answer is the correct answer.
“What is…Moat et Chan Don?” (Moët & Chandon) <—See?
It’s doubtful that Amy is cheating, but pronouncing a word phonetically when answering a question is a sure sign of the aforementioned, “photographic memory.” Thusly, we prove two things: Amy is not cheating and she is not really smart like actor Joey Lawrence whose IQ is reported to be close to 200.
“She just has a photographic memory and a few God-awful dresses,” said a person close to the Jeopardy staff. “Did you see the one she wore Tuesday night? I mean, off the rack is one thing, but her stuff is off the medieval torture rack. Girl, get someone to dress you.”
Anyway, FBI profilers look for phonetic responses in interviews. Sometimes a phonetic pronunciation is a sure sign of deception, and if there is anyone fooling the world right now, it’s Amy Schneider.
When this is all over and Amy is back in Oakland (California), two mega-TV producers are going to have to come clean about Amy, and it’s going to be a shock to the entire world.
Amy, are you ready for this? Amy Schneider, world champion Jeopardy contestant, is actually a deep-fake hologram invented by Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the creators of South Park.
“We created the character of Amy Schneider as a character for our next season but things got out of hand, ” said Parker.
“She was supposed to be the daughter of Mr. Garrison and some unknown woman. In development, we decided to run this whole crazy idea past a few Jeopardy producers, thinking they would kick us out, but they liked it, but we agreed on only one episode. Now, we’re out of control. The person we hired to be the body and voice has a photographic memory and keeps on winning. We didn’t count on that, but each win teaches us more about deep-fake technology.”
Matt stone added, “Yeah, like that lower-lip side mouth that she uses when she for sure knows the answer. That’s new. We added that after about 10 episodes because we learned more about how to make her face have that childish crooked-droopy lip thing. It’s amazing how we figured it out.
“We heard a few women in a restaurant talking and one said to the other that she got a “South Park vibe” from Amy Schneider. That made us freeze up a little so we put a little more makeup on the deep-fake images and made the teeth whiter. We enhanced that snarky crooked mouth thing to make her sound more ladylike and less like Edward G. Robinson.”
So there you have it. Amy Schneider is a deep-fake South Park cartoon character who will be added to the South Park cast as soon as she loses. Her character will be named Amy and she will play a lost girl who shows up as Mr. Garrison’s long-lost daughter. She will work in a video game store and she will be South Park’s Trivial Pursuit Champion who once appeared on the World’s Cheapest Game show. No, not Jeopardy. Jeopardy is the second cheapest game show in history. Wheel Of Fortune is the cheapest game show in the history of the entire universe. They don’t even feed Vanna White, for chrissake.