Kaylin DuLuissey Banished From the USA? Exiled on Martinique?
When we last spoke to Kaylin -Vincente DuLusissey, our favorite high-bourne Belgian nut-job, he was living in New York City and dreading the day that he would be deported back to Belgium now that his services are no longer required in the USA. Le Pauvre Belgique, made a deal with the USA that he would get his Master’s Degree at NYU and then, with a two year window, he would leave the USA for at least 18 months.
That’s the way immigration goes when you don’t crawl under a fence in the Texas desert — and you have a $220,000 academic scholarship that you really don’t need. To be fair, he gave a lot of his award money to needy students, so we have to give him points for that one.
Recently he called us from his family’s not-too-shabby vacation home on the Caribbean island of Martinique to tell us peasants about his endless troubles.
You see, it’s a tough life for the poor model/teacher/genius/birdbrain, but at least he knows enough to appreciate life in the USA.
“You have foreign people in the USA who are totally useless and they stay and do totally useless things,” said DuLuissey from his island paradise home where claims he is stranded and abandoned despite the fact that all his friends and pets are there and he can go anywhere he wants to go except the USA.
Update: Poor guy can’t even go to Mexico or Canada either — but who wants to go to Mexico?
“I was very happy in New York and I was going to help my friend produce a TV show and now I have to leave and everything here is insane. I am one minute away from getting a private airplane and going to another place because this place is for crazy people who want to die in flames or something. There is no reason for me to be banished from the USA…..NONE! ”
The jittery reference to “flames” comes from the fact that the rumblings of the volcano on the nearby island of Montserrat have caused “KVD” great anguish even though this volcano has been rumbling beneath the feet of the Caribe nations since Christopher Columbus was walking around.
“He is a huge drama queen sometimes,” said a friend close to KVD’s inner circle. “It’s hard to figure him out. He thinks nothing of swimming in shark-infested waters but then he fears that he will be buried in lava. Granted the sharks are small and the chance of an eruption causing any harm to Martinique are even smaller but his main thing right now is that he is freaking out that he had to leave the USA and can’t come back for another year or something.”
Actually, KVD’s “exile” as he calls it, will last for 18 months. He could have stayed through the summer until his time was up in September but he opted out to get credit for “time served” or something like that.
It’s sounds like we are making fun of the little Dauphin, but we actually like him. The trouble is that in spite of his genius IQ (now officially scored as 155) and his incredible generosity and graciousness, he just doesn’t seem to have a grasp of reality, and in a sense, he is a little spoiled and oblivious to his own good fortune. This is not because he is an ingrate or anything like that, it’s truly because he is a deep thinker and he has been raised in such a way that he expects things to go a certain way simply because he’s a little out of touch.
What’s the big deal about having to leave the USA for a few years if you can go anywhere you want to go and do whatever you want to do with nary a care in the world? When we asked him this he got a little nasty — which is the way we like him because he does the nasty voice thing better than anyone we know. Maybe it’s the accent or something, but he has that condescending mean-ass voice down to a science.
“I like to do things in America that I can’t do anywhere else and I have logistical things that make traveling away from New York a hardship. Can you understand that or do you not get it,” he said.
“My family has all these things mapped out for me like I am some kind of world explorer. I don’t want to go wherever I want to go and do whatever I want to do like you say about me. I want to stay where I am and make my own decisions. Why do you make assumptions about me? You don’t know what I do from day to day.”
No, we don’t know what he does from day to day but as much as we like our wacky Belgian baby-faced bad-ass chatterbox, we have to say that a little time away from the USA never hurt anyone; least of all KVD who has caused a few minor problems for his incredibly annoying, bossy and pretentious bully grandmother back in Belgium.
Yes, we know she’s a genuine Countess and that she didn’t buy the title like all the newbies who buy art and donate to the Armenians — and that she was born with it, and yeah, we know all that already. But we also know that her Little Lord Fauntleroy grandson, his Roman Catholic stoicism and extreme Conservative politics notwithstanding, hasn’t exactly been a model of virtue. In spite of his angelic face, Kaylin has a few “incidents” and those ain’t nuthin’, folks. Just wait until the big one hits the fan — wow — that’s going to be a real YEE HAW!
There’s more than meets the eye to all of this, and if KVD wants to call us to complain, he’s going to have to take the good with the bad. Granted he is not a bad kid — on the contrary — but he’s not 99% pure of heart either. Grandma must have fainted at least once when certain information managed to make its way across the moat and into her front door.
But alas, Kaylin Vincent DuLusissey, the poor-little-rich-boy in exile on Martinique, is the family pet, and he spews off more steam than any volcano and he bites back harder than any shark we ever ran into.
Strangely enough, he himself was bitten by a thresher shark in 2009. It was a little bite from a little shark, and strangely he never whined about it, but it was a bite just the same. Yes, believe it or not, Kaylin Vincente DuLusissey was the victim of a registered shark attack. He got it right on his butt — but we will save the easy joke we so sincerely would like to make. He still swims with the sharks lurking all around, so he’s not as much of a wuss as we make him out to be.
So our advice to you KVD — is to shut up and hold back the pyroclastic flow for a few days. We think your father, in his infinite patience, has gotten you out of the slammer and back to the USA within a few weeks. Don’t say you heard it from us.
UPDATE: Money “can” buy happiness. The Cosulate General of Belgium and the US Embassy have allowed. Kaylin-Vincente DuLusissey, the “Little Dauphin Who Could,” to return to the USA as a resident alien with only a few limitations which expire on September 7. 2012 — so all is well with the poor little rich boy.
Damien LeGallienne reporting for TheDamienZone.com