A website dedicated to human stupidity and dumbness

Kaylin DuLuissey Banished From the USA? Exiled on Martinique?

Kaylin DuLuissey Banished From the USA? Exiled on Martinique?

When we last spoke to Kaylin -Vincente DuLusissey, our favorite high-bourne Belgian nut-job, he was living in New York City and dreading the day that he would be deported back to Belgium now that his services are no longer required in the USA.   Le Pauvre Belgique, made a deal with the USA that he would get his Master’s Degree at NYU and then, with a two year window, he would leave the USA for at least 18 months.

That’s the way immigration goes when you don’t crawl under a fence in the Texas desert — and you have a $220,000 academic scholarship that you really don’t need.  To be fair, he gave a lot of his award money to needy students, so we have to give him points for that one.

Recently he called us from his family’s not-too-shabby vacation home on the Caribbean island of Martinique to tell us peasants about his endless troubles.

You see, it’s a tough life for the poor model/teacher/genius/birdbrain, but at least he knows enough to appreciate life in the USA.

You have foreign people in the USA who are totally useless and they stay and do totally useless things,” said DuLuissey from his island paradise home where claims he is stranded and abandoned despite the fact that all his friends and pets are there and he can go anywhere he wants to go except the USA.

Update: Poor guy can’t even go to Mexico or Canada either — but who wants to go to Mexico?

I was very happy in New York and I was going to help my friend produce a TV show and now I have to leave and everything here is insane.  I am one minute away from getting a private airplane and going to another place because this place is for crazy people who want to die in flames or something.  There is no reason for me to be banished from the USA…..NONE!

The jittery reference to “flames” comes from the fact that the rumblings of the volcano on the nearby island of Montserrat have caused “KVD” great anguish even though this volcano has been rumbling beneath the feet of the Caribe nations since Christopher Columbus was walking around.

He is a huge drama queen sometimes,” said a friend close to KVD’s inner circle.  “It’s hard to figure him out.  He thinks nothing of swimming in shark-infested waters but then he fears that he will be buried in lava.   Granted the sharks are small and the chance of an eruption causing any harm to Martinique are even smaller but his main thing right now is that he is freaking out that he had to leave the USA and can’t come back for another year or something.”

Actually, KVD’s “exile” as he calls it, will last for 18 months.  He could have stayed through the summer until his time was up in September but he opted out to get credit for “time served” or something like that.

It’s sounds like we are making fun of the little Dauphin, but we actually like him.  The trouble is that in spite of his genius IQ (now officially scored as 155) and his incredible generosity and graciousness, he just doesn’t seem to have a grasp of reality, and in a sense, he is a little spoiled and oblivious to his own good fortune. This is not because he is an ingrate or anything like that, it’s truly because he is a deep thinker and he has been raised in such a way that he expects things to go a certain way simply because he’s a little out of touch.

What’s the big deal about having to leave the USA for a few years if you can go anywhere you want to go and do whatever you want to do with nary a care in the world?   When we asked him this he got a little nasty — which is the way we like him because he does the nasty voice thing better than anyone we know.  Maybe it’s the accent or something, but he has that condescending mean-ass voice down to a science.

“I like to do things in America that I can’t do anywhere else and I have logistical things that make traveling away from New York a hardship.  Can you understand that or do you not get it,” he said.

My family has all these things mapped out for me like I am some kind of world explorer.  I don’t want to go wherever I want to go and do whatever I want to do like you say about me.  I want to stay where I am and make my own decisions.  Why do you make assumptions about me?  You don’t know what I do from day to day.”

No, we don’t know what he does from day to day but as much as we like our wacky Belgian baby-faced bad-ass chatterbox, we have to say that a little time away from the USA never hurt anyone; least of all KVD who has caused a few minor problems for his incredibly annoying, bossy and pretentious bully grandmother back in Belgium.

Yes, we know she’s a genuine Countess and that she didn’t buy the title like all the newbies who buy art and donate to the Armenians — and that she was born with it, and yeah, we know all that already.   But we also know that her Little Lord Fauntleroy grandson, his Roman Catholic stoicism and extreme Conservative politics notwithstanding, hasn’t exactly been a  model of virtue.  In spite of his angelic face,  Kaylin has a few “incidents” and those ain’t nuthin’, folks.   Just wait until the big one hits the fan — wow — that’s going to be a real YEE HAW!

There’s more than meets the eye to all of this, and if KVD wants to call us to complain, he’s going to have to take the good with the bad.  Granted he is not a bad kid — on the contrary — but he’s not 99% pure of heart either.  Grandma must have fainted at least once when certain information managed to make its way across the moat and into her front door.

But alas, Kaylin Vincent DuLusissey, the poor-little-rich-boy in exile on Martinique, is the family pet, and he spews off more steam than any volcano and he bites back harder than any shark we ever ran into.

Strangely enough, he himself was bitten by a thresher shark in 2009.  It was a little bite from a little shark, and strangely he never whined about it, but it was a bite just the same.  Yes, believe it or not, Kaylin Vincente DuLusissey was the victim of a registered shark attack.  He got it right on his butt — but we will save the easy joke we so sincerely would like to make.   He still swims with the sharks lurking all around, so he’s not as much of a wuss as we make him out to be.

So our advice to you KVD — is to shut up and hold back the pyroclastic flow for a few days.  We think your father, in his infinite patience, has gotten you out of the slammer and back to the USA within a few weeks.  Don’t say you heard it from us.

UPDATE:  Money “can” buy happiness.  The Cosulate General of Belgium and the US Embassy have allowed. Kaylin-Vincente DuLusissey,  the “Little Dauphin Who Could,” to return to the USA as a resident alien with only a few limitations which expire on September 7. 2012 — so all is well with the poor little rich boy.

Damien LeGallienne reporting for TheDamienZone.com

 

8 Comments
  1. When I asked for updates from this blog, I didn’t expect to read a story about this dude. Who cares about his problems. I think he belongs in a mental hospital or something, he should just stand there and look pretty and shut up. This is my morning laugh? You have got to do better than this.

  2. You have to admit that the volcano picture is funny. He’s nice leave him alone. Everybody around here likes him —— in one way or another.

  3. I met this guy at a party at a beach house in a rich southern new jersey town and he lives like a frigging prince WTF? I expected he would be an asshole but he was the total opposite of an asshole. He was very gracious like in a movie star way. He’s very classy and funny and the main thing is how beautiful he is and his eyes go right through you and it’s actually hard to be around him because you are so painfully aware of all your own faults. FML! I hope I never have to see him again. The home alone guy yeah he was there but they did not seem to be like lovers or anything. but he was there which was even more freaky.

  4. I heard that he is Macaulay Culkin’s boyfriend and that they have been together for two years and that this Belgian dude saved Culkin from a bad life. That’s what they say anyway and it’s a pretty solid and very wealthy part of Manhattan and this kid has more money than god.

  5. Duluissey is a weird person. Uses pictures that he should keep private too, No one dislikes him and he is kind of fake nice sometimes.. Talk to him on the phone, and he is a little loopy but he is very smart.

  6. He is so so so not fake nice. I know him and I know his family very well. His brother and I served together in the Belgian military. He works for me as a sideline, and if he doesn’t exist I have been sending paychecks to a ghost for the past 11 months. Also, on his Facebook page I see several people – dozens in fact – who he is always with socially in New York and Martinique. I would imagine that he no longer uses newer photos because everything he has ever put up has ended up as someone else’s bogus photo. He is indeed a very good looking guy. As far as his voice sounding scripted, I have to laugh because anyone who has to deal with him notes the problem with him is that he never shuts up and his conversations meander all over the place. He is hardly “scripted” – on the contrary. His accent is totally not fake. It’s annoying but it is not fake. I can see, however, why people would not be able to place it. He is not FRENCH – he is BELGIAN so right there, that’s an accent that most people do not know and with which they have no familiarity. You have to understand that half of his language skills are in Flemish/Dutch so it’s a very unusual accent. If you add to that the fact that he spent much of his life in Scotland and in the USA taking American English elocution lessons in New York City, maybe his accent sounds strange. Take my word for it, he is very real. Perhaps he’s a little out in outer space because he is very politically vocal, but he’s real and he’s brilliant and kooky. He’s also a shameless flirt which is why we enjoy making fun of him.
    Sincerely
    Damien LeGallienne
    Editor in Chief
    TheDamienZone.com

  7. So what ever happened to this guy?

  8. He’s still very much around. Every now and then he does translations for articles that appear on this website. I saw him at an art gallery opening at Le Poisson Rouge in Manhattan a few months ago and he was very sociable. He is very chummy with another guy who writes articles that I sometimes publish so he spends a lot of time in Los Angeles because they work in TV. He hasn’t had any drama in recent months….over a year in fact. So there is nothing to write about. He’s hard to keep up with actually.

    DAMIEN LeGALLIENNE
    EDITOR

Leave a Reply