Hollywood tabloid rags are running around talking about how young Heather Locklear looks for her age because today is her birthday — but she is not 50 like all the tabloids and websites claim — she is actually 60-years-old and she used to be a huncback in an orphanage.
“Heather is 60 years old today because we were both borned (sic) in the same orphanage in Mustique, Alabama,” said Harlean Carp-Running Coon who now lives in Ruggles, New Mexico with her elderly foster mother on an Indian reservation.
“Heather was the first kid to get adopted back in 1955 when she was 4-years-old. She wasn’t very pretty then and she had a hunchback. A doctor and his wife who were driving through town on a road trip adopted Heather so that the doctor could try out his new operation to fix hunchbacks. I remember that we all gave her a hug and said goodbye. Today is my 61st birthday — I remember that I was exactly one year older than her and I am lucky that a nice Native American family came to adopt me because I was homely and dark and stupid and had a round face.”
Harlene Crap even has pictures of her and Heather to prove that Heather Locklear is really 60 years old but she is holding out for a lot of money. She did release one picture of Heather and a newspaper with headlines that Eisenhower had been eleced President.
“I do not know why she is claiming to be only 50,” continued Carp-Running Coon. She has three grandchildren in their teens — they live here in town. Why does she pretend that she has a young child? I knew her as child when Eisenhower was President and we was all holed up at Miss Witherspoon’s orphanage, in Mustique.
“I knew she was lying about her age way back when she was on TJ Hooker. I wanted her to do good in Hollywood because her hunchback was almost all better and I was happy for her, but if you look careful at her, you can see that she is getting on in years. Wish she would come to New Mexico and see me and my foster mom. It’s been a long time coming and I have the pictures that she don’t want getting out to the Enquirer or The Star — and I’m broke.”
Mustique’s record keeper at the Hall of Records, a Miss Gladys Paltruney, would not let TheDamienZone see Heather Locklear’s birth certificate or certificates of adoption but she giggled when we mentioned that it was Miss Locklears 50th birthday.
We did learn, however, that Heather’s real birth name is Gertrude Soden-Hudak and that she was born to a teenage coal train hobo and her later common-law husband Pokey Hudak who is now deceased. The dusty couple of runaway lovers even scribbled the date of their baby’s birth at the orphanage when they stopped to have the child who would grow up to be Heather Locklear.
Today Molly Soden-Hudak, age 79, (her biological mother) is trying to get back in touch with her daughter but Heather says she has no idea who the woman is and has threatened to have her arrested.
“The poor woman was seen crying outside of a restaurant in West Hollywood where Locklear was having a pre-birthday celebration with Cher who will tun 70 this year. It was very sad,” said restaurateur Stella Dallas who owns and runs Shcott D’On Gorp — the restaurant where Locklear often dines.
“Heather is just no damn good,” said Carp Running-Coon. “Ever since she had her hunchback almost fixed and she went to Hollywood, she thinks her shit don’t stink. Well I got news for her — and I am broke and me bein’ broke and her lying about her age — well, that don’t add up to a pretty picture.”