Well, according to Imaginary Investigators and Life Partners co-owners Benjamin Switchy and Sheldon Hartunis — both of whom are gay — the Oscars are gay and any man who catches himself interested in them is probably gay too.
“The Oscars are very gay oriented,” said Benjamin Switchy from his room at The Modrian Hotel on Sunset Boulevard.
“They are so gay that every time one guy gives another guy a blow job, the Motion Picture Academy of Arts and Sciences gets a commission.”
Switchy and Hartunis have spent several years studying data about the Oscar show and in their opinion the show has gotten progressively gayer since The Godfather won for best picture nearly forty years ago.
“It’s been a rough thirty years for the motion picture business and for gays,” said Switchy.
“There was AIDS, genital herpes, syphilis, drug addiction and alcoholism — and that was just the movie business. The gays had a lot of problems too.
“Gay men today need an outlet and the only thing that god hands them is a paltry few awards shows a year, and the poor one’s without credit cards can only hope to find a James Franco Shirtless website. So they turn to the Oscars show for the glamour and sex they crave — but it’s not there.”
According to psychiatric studies, many marital breakups that had their genesis in the husband’s true sexuality occurred on Oscar night.
“I never suspected my husband might be gay,” said Kimberly Clarke of Long Valley, New Jersey.
“We met in high school when we were both in the drama club. His best friend Lance was our best man and he couldn’t have been sweeter and kinder. He was like a brother to both of us. My husband was so helpful in planning our wedding. Most men sit back and let the girls do all the work but John and Lance did all the planning right down to a few minutes before the ceremony.
“Lance did everyone’s hair and makeup — it was great. Our marriage was great too and I was very happy that we didn’t have a lot of sex because I had constant yeast infections that made my life miserable. John never got mad when I didn’t want sex — which was just about always — he would just smile and go out for the night with Lance and hang out with the guys.
“After three years I started to notice that John liked to watch the Academy Awards and other awards shows– especially the red carpet stuff with Joan Rivers or whoever does what for which awards show. He loved the dresses and the designers and I started to wonder about him.
“I was so worried and I told my local minister that I feared my husband was unhappy with his job. He seemed happy as an interior decorator but I feared that maybe his true calling in life had been as a women’s fashion designer. My minister just rolled his eyes as though he didn’t care. I never went back to that church.
“I didn’t want John to be unhappy so one Oscar night a few years ago I asked John to tell me the truth. I asked him why he was more interested in the awards and the ceremonies.
He told me that he was not interested in women’s fashions and that was a huge relief for me. But them he told me, ‘ I am not interested in fashion design but I am gay. I am a homosexual, you stupid ass.’
“Those words hot me like a ton of bricks. I tried to stay together but he started dating some young guy from Brazil and we went to a divorce lawyer. If he just hadn’t called me a stupid ass, we might still be married.”
This horror story plays out across the country countless times so, ladies, keep a sharp eye on your husband. If he wants to watch the Oscars, you might have a problem.
If hubby gets an Amstel Light or Stella Artois and sits before the TV with his bare feet on the coffee table you’ve got to wonder. Even if your husband is a cop or a bodybuilder, or a combination of both, you still have to worry.
Also, if your young son likes the red carpet stuff and doesn’t play video games, you might have a gay son. If he looks for Gaga or Kathy Griffin (well, not so much her anymore) there is probably a showtune waiting to be sung.
“Tonight is the night when a lot of marriages fail and a lot of kids reveal that they are queens,” said Switchy. “It’s gonna be a bumpy night!”