A new scandal rocked the Catholic Church today after three priests were filmed at gay nightspots and having casual sex. What made the scandal even worse was that the priests were using the sacrificial wine to get drunk and using the confessionals as Buddy Booths. When a regular run-of-the-mill sinner slipped in the confessional on a puddle of Whet, a personal lubricant popular amongst the clergy, the Vatican called out its big guns. These are priests with really big penises who punish the offending priests by letting them really have it.
“They say itza the punishment for our tresspasses,” said Father Gianni Magnani. “Yes, sometimes it-a hurtza my ass, but mosta the time it feels-a so good. ‘
The Church, which regards homosexuality as a sin, today warned gay priests not to lead a “double life” but a triple life was okay and Mother Teresa agrees.
“They have to have an outlet for their physical pleasures,” said Mother Teresa from her perch in the hereafter. “You know how many homo priests I used to hang around in New Delhi? It would make your frigging head spin. Where do you think I got the idea to put that nice blue trim around my robes?”
“I’m not the only saint who is speaking out,” continued Mother Teresa. “But a lot of saints are turning over in their graves — and those are the bottoms — bud dumb bump! You see that was a rim shot and even though I am dead and a saint, I am not above getting in a cheap joke — nobody is — right, right, right?” Eventually Mother Teresa’s voice faded into the ethers and we couldn’t makeout the rest of what she was saying, but that’s how ghosts do it and we were lucky to get that much copy from her.
The Roman Catholic Rome diocese said no one was forcing homosexual priests to remain as priests, the Vatican just wants them to open up beauty parlours and interior design companies and funnel some of that gay money back to the church where it belongs. The Vatican is even thinking about perhaps pitching a reality show to execs in Hollywood.
We want to call it, “So Many Vows, So Little Time,” said Cardinal Vincente Lolla from the deck at The Ivy and who might just be spending a teensy weensy too much time in TinselTown.
“We think we have a target audience and a bunch of big Jews in Los Angeles like the idea so it might just be a go. I have a lunch on Tuesday, which will be fish of course, and then a meet and greet at Hyde, and then we’ll see what happens. How can they turn me down? Just look at my punim.”
An article in an Italian gay newspaper describes how the reporter and a “gay accomplice” “gate crashed the wild nights of a number of priests.
“I am a gay accomplice,” said the gay accomplice. “It is my job to lead people to where the gay priests are having casual sex. In Rome there are a lot of priests who live a surprising double-life and some use double-headed dildoes. This is a very holy thing because it enables these priests to do unto others as they would have others do unto them.
“They leave the church at around 11pm and head out into the night,” continued the gay accomplice.
” One night I had sex with two priests at the top of the Spanish Steps and then gave my confession to a leather muscle priest at the bottom of the Spanish Steps. Then I had to climb all the way back up and give my confession to the priests at the top of the steps, but then we had sex too, so I went back down and like a stunod I went on doing this all night. I remember the last thing I said before I blacked out from the Ecstasy pills was, ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned. This is my first confession in five and a half minutes.’ I woke up in the Fountain of Trevi which was nice.”