Infuriated Jesus Christ leaves Turin: “That is not my shroud for chrissakes!”

“If you think I am ticked off, you should see my father,”  said Jesus Christ as he stormed away from The Shroud of Turin in anger.  “He gives you stupid people the gifts to figure out all the secrets of nature.  He gives you the intelligence to learn about science and then you turn that knowledge against him and continue with this stupid crap about that shroud.  

“You’re all going to hell in a hand-basket — and I’m the guy who can say that and actually follow up on it.”

There it is, plain and simple.  Jesus Christ, on a recent tour of Turin Italy has himself said that the Shroud Of Turin does not, did not and will not ever belong to him. 

 Of course people from The Discovery Channel and Nat Geo and Discovery immediately began production on “Analyzing Christ’s Mental Health” — a documentary about the long lost scrolls that once belonged to Christ’s psychiatrist and how Jesus was always in denial.

Plans to get the Virgin Mary on “I Didn’t Even Know I Was Pregnant” are in the works too after talks with Lifetime Television fell through.

“So I’m visiting this dumpy town in Italy and this guy from Nat Geo or Discovery or one of those fakata channels comes up to me with this old sheet of cloth,”  said Jesus as he boarded the Alitalia plane that would take him to TelAviv where he will visit a cave somewhere in the Holy Land where he also maintains that he was  not born or buried. 

“I tell the guy that the piece of cloth is not mine.  It doesn’t even look like me, but he keeps going on and on and on about how this is the shroud of Turin and that I was buried in it blah blah blah.  I’ll tell you right now, I am getting so sick of turning the other cheek because this guys was cruisin’ for a bruisin’.

“Now, I watch TV as much as the next guy,” continued Jesus, “It has already been proven that the  shroud is just a painting that was done about a  thousand years after I was already crucified.   Getting crucified hurts in case you didn’t know that, and I don’t appreciate a bunch of idiots who just won’t let something go — let it go I say.”   Then Jesus gritted his teeth and held up his gnarled fists  in a gesture that can only be described as menacing or angry — or an imitation of Kirk Douglas.

Jesus was alluding to the fact that scientific forensic evidence — the kind that puts modern criminals in jail — has already proven that the shroud is a fake or a forgery or at the very least, a painting that has been used to fool people for centuries.  It doesn’t seem to matter to Shroud of Turin believers because no matter how much evidence is put before them, they still won’t drop it.

“It’s just like that Kennedy assassination and that incident at Roswell, New Mexico,” continued Jesus.  “I’m Jesus for chrissakes, don’t you think I would know who shot JFK or if aliens were walking around the southwest of the United States?  I’m the one who signed the papers that put Lee Harvey Oswald to hell and on those papers I wrote, ‘This man goes to hell for murdering John Fitzgerald Kennedy‘  then I signed it with the special ink we have.  You can’t erase that ink or alter it, but it doesn’t seem to matter for certain people.  They just can’t accept it and the reason for that is because they are stupid.  We don’t usually admit to making stupid people, but come on!

“Yes, there are other life forms on other planets that my dad created but they have never walked around New Mexico or anywhere on earth for that matter.  It was intentionally designed that other civilizations do not meet each other and never develop the technology to reach each other.  If people had a grain of common sense they would just stop with all this stupid superstition because if they want to keep acting like it’s the 12th century, I can always send back the plague and get rid of all of them again — and don’t think I’m not tempted.  If I didn’t have to push the paperwork past my old man I would have already done it.”

Jesus made a deal with the people from The Discovery Channel and of course they are jumping on the plan.

“I told these Hollywood types that we should give the shroud of Turin to an unamed person and then have that person go on Antiques Roadshow and have some weirdo from New Hope or Lambertville appraise the raggedy old thing.    I’ll tell you right now that the appraiser will say that it’s a nice shroud with value just for its age, but at an auction it would bring only a couple hundred dollars.  I’ll stake my third life on it.”

Jesus visited Turin just days after leaving New York City in disgust.

“I just don’t get it,” moaned the beleagured son of man.  “These guys hijacked planes, and I know who they were, and they crashed them into the buildings and the whole thing was a disaster.  It’s on frigging video tape — the whole thing is on tape but there are still morons who say that the whole thing is a lie.  Now, like I said, this is on tape and witnessed by a million people at least.  Still there are people who don’t believe it happened and TV shows that make documentaries about how it did not happen.

“Do you see now how frigging stupid people are — how prone they are to creating myths and legends?  I mean, in my day there were no cameras or video and pretty much nobody could write or tell a coherent story, so imagine the kind of shit I could have gotten away with if I knew then what I know now about human stupidity.  I certainly wouldn’t be sitting here as the second banana, that’s for sure. ”

On the distaff side, the Virgin Mary, who only gets respect in Catholicism and Islam because she is glossed over by other Christian faiths  — the ones that Henry VIII invented so he could screw any girl he wanted — has decided that she is going to appear on a very special Christmas episode of “I didn’t Even Know I was Pregnant,”  a show that tells the story of women who have babies without knowing that they were even expecting.

“You see what these TV people do,”  groaned the Christ.  “I know for a fact that she knew she was pregnant — she’s my mother for chrissakes!  Don’t you think I would know?  She’s just doing this because people have been making a fool out of her on Ebay.  They see her on toast and on corn flakes — she could only take so much.  I can’t get angry at her but I think she could have held out for more money.”

“Yeah, so anyway, continued Jesus,  “the freaking shroud of Turin is totally not my burial shroud and the next person who says it was mine will be smote – or smotted — or smitten — or whatever it is I can do to people.  I’m not messing around.  My real shroud is rotted to dust in some place that nobody knows about.  I even forgot where it was, so just stop — stop — STOP!!!!!!!  Have some goddam respect — literally!