“I have to go back and fix this cholesterol mess,” said Jesus Christ as he angrily packed his burlap sack.
“These statin drugs just aren’t doing the trick, and you know why, because nothing doctors say about cholesterol is true. Just because plaque in arteries is made up of cholesterol doesn’t mean that eating cholesterol causes plaque. My cholesterol is like 900 and my father’s — well, I won’t even go there, girlfriend.”
So, after all these thousands of years waiting for the return of Christ, Christians have to deal with the fact that he is only coming back to fix all the hoopla surrounding cholesterol.
“I can’t wait for my lord and savior to fix my cholesterol,” said Myrtle Burns of Long Valley, New Jersey. “I’ve already had three angioplasties and two stents put in my heart. This is really a godsend, no pun intended, hehe.”
Christ was not amused.
“Cholesterol is not Myrtle’s problem. Her problem is her frigging heart. She smoked, she drank, she hung around with dope addicts and did cocaine in the 70s at Studio 54 and now she thinks my cholesterol miracle will save her. What a frigging idiot. As a matter of fact, I think I’ll smote her right now.”
And he did. As we continued our interview Jesus Christ pushed a button, entered in some numbers on a keypad, and Myrtle clutched her chest and keeled over at the $4.00 WalMart prescription counter.
“There! That oughta shut her up.”
Myrtle is survived by her long time companion, Bernie Stern, a Manhattan artist and poet, and several nieces and nephews.
Could Jesus Christ be returning to earth just to cure high cholesterol, or to at least explain it? Could it be as anti climactic as that?
“It’s not the only thing I’m going to do,” said Christ. “I am also going to the Muslim countries and get some boys to whack those dopes around like I did in the 10th century. Every thousand years or so those people need a good what for — ya know?”
