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Matt Lauer Will Replace Glenn Beck on Fox News.

“I always knew that Matt was a right-winger,” said Katie Couric from her CBS dressing room that was being towed away to Wendy Williams’ house.

“It was only a matter of time before Fox News dragged him away from us.  I have eaten Matt’s flesh because George Soros asked me too.  That was supposed to suppress his desires to go to Fox, but now that I got the axe they can go screw themselves.  Let him go.  I might even vote for Sarah Palin 2012 — how do you like them apples?”

Rumors flew like bats out of a cave in Texas when Glenn Beck got fired — I mean, moved onto other projects.  There is still a chance that Michael Savage will get the spot and then there are the persistent rumors that Three’s Company star Joyce DeWitt will co-host  a new show with Al Sharpton.  It’s all been so confusing, but now that Matt Lauer has announced that he is leaving his gig, it’s pretty obvious that he is the one who is taking over for Glenn Beck.

“Matt became very conservative after his hair started to thin,” said Ralph Macchio from his chair at The Hair Club For Men where he was being refitted with a brand new toupee.  “I like to think that my dancing on Dancing With The Stars is conservative and Matt backed me up on that.  Matt is a conservative guy and he even thinks that I should get a more conservative hairpiece.”

Sources close to Lauer tell TheDamienZone that Lauer was annoyed that he had to ask hardball questions to Republicans and softball questions to Democrats.  He knew that he was being a patsy and when he requested to his bosses that he wanted to do a show from Seaside Heights, he was denied.

“Matt wanted to be on one episode of Jersey Shore with Mike The Situation,” said former child star Mickey Rooney. 

“Those sons of bitches wouldn’t let him and Matt got angry.  Hey, the kids just want to have fun like everybody else did when they were kids.  I had fun when I was a kid even though I didn’t get to screw Judy Garland in a hot tub massager thingy that the kids have these days.  Matt is a kid himself and when his hair was going he knew that this was his last chance to be a kid and run around the beach and feel the sand between his toes.  I think he will make a great replacement for Glenn Beck, who by the way has a great head of hair and ugh……beeeeeeeeep.”

Our interview with Mickey Rooney was interrupted by a gasp and a gurgle and then a long beeping sound.  Maybe it was a bad connection or something.

So Matt Lauer will take Glenn Beck’s place and he has made the political move to the right wing — and why not?  It pays better and you don’t have to work with Al Roker when he farts and shits out stomach staples on the floor of the studio.

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