DNA tests on the pods have proven that they are genetic reproductions of several muscular Guidos who have been reported missing over the past several years. Further investigation by local authorities led police to a space ship that was hidden deep in the New Jersey Pine Barrens where they found cast member Snookie and several unidentified aliens holding other muscular, piereced and tattoed Guidos in states of suspended animation. Doctors are unsure of how to de-suspend the Guidos and efforts to revive them have proven fruitless. Currently there are dozens of these Guidos on the craft. How many are already out and on the prowl is unknown.
“We believe that Snookie is an alien and a body snatcher.” said State Investigator Lucinda Basssett of the Alien and Body Snatchers of Ocean County Swat team. “This would explain her height and her alien-like body structure. We also discovered that what Jersey Shore viewers had assumed were flip flops on Snookie’s feet, are actually her feet. The other aliens offered no resistance and told us that they were from the star system Zeta Reticuli. I don’t know what exit that is on the Garden State Parkway, but we know that it’s further south than Seaside.”
There has been a rash of missing Guidos over the past year and many parents and friends have formed the MGFSHTF — The Missing Guido From Seaside Heights Task Force.
“My Anthony went to Ortley Beach last August and we never heard from him again, ” said a teary-eyed Connie DeGennaro of Demerest, New Jersey.
“Now I have to go down to a greenhouse to identify a pea pod. I hope it’s him because at least I know I’ll have him, and I can have closure, and I can hang him in my kitchen next to my dried hot peppers and garlic.”
Snookie remained defiant in the face of CIA and FBI investigators. She spit in the face of a MUFON (Mutual UFO Network) Investigator.
“So I’m a fuckin body snatcher — like I give a shit what you’se think of me.” said the alien Snookie. “I got clones walkin all over Jersey and you dumb bitches will never know who they are. Eventually all my Guido boys will take over the world and you’se will all be fucked.”
“Fucken ay, right I’m scared,” said the deeply tanned Situation as he displayd his rock hard eight pack of abdominal muscles. “Now I gotta fuckin wonder if I’m even me. I mean, one of those pods could have been me and like my real body could be in the garbage or even worse, it could be in Asbury Park with the gay dudes.”
For decades, the quiet semi white-trash residents of the barrier island on which Seaside Heights lies, have had to deal with the seasonal influx of Guidos and North Jersey decadence, but now they are threatened even more by the arrival of Snookie and her evil army of body snatchers.
“If you see any Guido who is acting intelligently or well-mannered we suggest you call us,” said State Investigator Bell Watling. “Other signs that a Guido might be a body snatched reproduction are a sudden loss of interest in working out and a clearing up of the acne on their backs. Aliens, even ones on steroids, do not get acne. Also the aliens we have captured are allergic to gold so if your son or boyfriend stops wearing his Italian horn and giant crucifix, you might want to get out of there and give us a call.”
Snookie is being held in the Area 51 in the Nevada desert and is under constant watch, but it’s only a matter of time before her army of alien Guidos comes to rescue her.