“There is no reason why I should sit here and wait to be judged by anyone,” said world famous “extreme atheist” and pagan goth, Carney Dunroven just moments after he was struck and killed by a bus and found himself in the waiting room adjacent to the gates of Saint Peter.
“I do not believe in God or heaven or hell or any of that silly man-made crap and just because I am dead I shouldn’t be inconvenienced by it. If I am not vaporized immediately, I am going to complain to whomever is in charge of this place.”
It seems that the late Mr. Dunroven seemed to be missing the point or something as he continued his rant at the terribly understaffed heavenly gate and had to be ushered away by Tony Curtis — who, it turns out, must have been a very nice guy.
“I have to laugh,” chuckled Saint Peter as he went through his filing cabinet.
“These Atheists are really funny people. I think it might be an act or something — maybe even a mental illness that transcends death. I mean, the guy is “here” but he doesn’t believe that “here” exists. I just had one of my people wipe the tire tracks off his head and put a nice robe on him and everything, but to him it’s just a big pain in the neck. He wants to be vaporized — well I can’t do that. It violates the laws of the afterlife and the laws of super-string physics. Even if I vaporize him, he will still be in that waiting room — are you following me?”
Dunroven just won’t give in, and when it was explained to him that no matter how many times you vaporize someone they still end up in the same place, his anger reached the boiling point of realization.
“Yeah, well, I don’t need a lecture about this,” continued the ranting Dunroven. “I died and that’s that! I…uh…wait a second. I turned and this bus was coming right at me and I died and now I am in another place and…uh…OH MY GOD…what the fuck did I do?”
Dunroven’s number was eventually called and he tried to talk his way out of the extreme atheism thing at his judgement but nobody wanted to hear him. He can be reached at extension 566787764224422. Don’t keep him long because the phone is hot.
“I think this is a lovely waiting room,” said Dottie Beany, 59, who had just flat-lined during a hysterectomy. “I’m not sure where I am but, well, the lord is my shepard I guess — hehe.”