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Lady Gaga: Meat shopping at “Ernest Borgnine’s Meat Market” with Clay Aiken and Adam Lambert

When Lady Gaga buys a skirt steak, odds are it’s going to be  a skirt, but when The Gaga asked Clay Aiken and Adam Lambert to go meat shoppoing with her last week in West Hollywood, they were disappointed to find that she actually just wanted to go to a butcher shop.

“I’ve been a butcher on the side since I made “Marty” back in the 50s,”  said veteran actor and part time Butcher Ernest Borgnine, 96, who runs Borgnine’s Meat Shop on the corner of Sunset and Larabee.  “I never thought I would be a fashion designer but Lady Gaga comes in here and I help her try things on.  She likes veal shank shirts with the bone on.  She also likes sausages with the fennel seeds because it smells nice and makes a nice scarf.

“So last week she comes in with these two fruity, new fangled kind of guys with the hair and all and I get her a nice wrap around rib roast sliced nice and thin with an empire waist, but these two guy — well they look kinda down and out, you know, they look forlorn or bummed out, and being the kind of nice guy I am I says to them I says, “Would you fellas like to see something in a sirloin or a T-bone, and this here blond guy, ya know, he  says to me that he’s looking for meat but the meat’s gotta be in some guy’s pants.  So, I says that I’m running a legit joint here, so I told him to get the hell outta my shop cause that ain’t the kind of store I’m running.”

Lady Gaga was clueless about why her two friends had been thrown out of Borgnine’s but when  Ernest’s wife Tova called her and explained the situation, Gaga was livid.

“Who the hell gets thrown outta a butcher shop,” said The Gaga as she threw a few sausage links over her shoulder.  “I told Adam and Clay that I was going out to get some meat and that maybe I could find something for them too.  Well, let me tell you!  These two jerk-offs thought I was talking about “meat” like penis meat. 

“Obviously I did not mean that cause if I meant that I woulda said that we were going out looking for dick.  What a couple of hicks.  I mean, they could have jeopardized my ability to shop at Borgnine’s Meat Shop and that’s the hottest store on the strip. 

Aiken and Lambert refused to comment but a spokesman for American Idol spoke to TheDamienZone.

“They thought she was taking them out to get man meat.  The last thing they were thinking about was actually meat.  I mean think about it.  The last meat product Clay Aiken ate was a corn dog.  I don’t know much about Adam Lambert’s eating habits but it’s safe to assume that when you tell him that you’re going out to buy meat, he’s going to think you’re going to one of those underground Eastern European twink clubs or to the western block of Santa Monica Blvd. ”

Lady Gaga now refuses to talk to Aiken or Lambert and referred to them as “sluts” in a recent interview with the Black Angus company. 

Despite the confusion, Gaga has brought Borgnine’s Meat Shop the kind of fame it never had before.  Now Ernest and Tova are working sunrise to sunset just to keep the orders filled. 

“Last night I had to filet and process Vera Wang into a gown,” said Tova Borgnine, Ernest’s wife of 71 years.  “Now when you say you are wearing Vera Wang, you are actually wearing Vera Wang — and it comes with a side of fan-tailed shrimp and and a fortune cookie.

1 Comment
  1. Good job of getting through the spam filter — but now you won’t get through anyone’s.

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