Today, Mayer ditched his 3.7 million desperate losers and followers on Twitter and pretty much squashed the stupid fucking thing with the heel of his out of style boots.
“Do people who think that if they follow a celebrity on Twitter that the celebrity actually “knows” them,” said John’s full-time assistant Yuri Ventura who actually sent out all the tweets because John, like all celebrities, doesn’t even really know how to use the service and his fingers are insured by Lloyds of London.
“It’s a microwave transmittable version of Eddie Haskell. It’s like the ultimate lie of friendship. It’s a scummy way of stealing dreams from stupid barf chicks and ugly pimply guys who have to settle for those barf chicks. It’s really like facism fucking with your head and your dreams, dudes.”
“Famous people, are afraid of the people who tweet them cause when you get almost 4 million, that can get gnarly.”
Over here at TheDamienZone we actually worry about who follows us and we read every comment we get. We get hate mail when we report on Barry The Bird Manilow and sometimes we even get hate tweets. Can you imagine the sickness of somebody who sends hate mail and hate tweets because they are mad that Barry Manilow is now a bird? We didn’t make him a bird. He brought that shit down on himself. We just report the stuff.
Celebrities are ditching Twitter for the simple fact that when you have millions of people able to “message” you, you have to hire about 100 lawyers and advisors because there will be weirdoes and psychos and people who will try to set you up and get you in all kinds of trouble. Celebrities are getting smart and only tweeting with a few friends because out in the real world, people are fucking sick sons of bitches. Look at what a tweet did to Sarah Palin and we bet a few hundred people got murdered after they answered a tweet.
Here are a few examples of the sick people in the world — the psychos — the social misfits.
“I am like so totally alone now in the world,” said 15 year old Crystal Brednerener of Cresent Fields, Idaho as she took the Sally Hanson cotton balls out from between her fat toes. “How could John like do this to me? I mean, we like sent messages back and forth all the time. He is totally no longer my BFF and now my mom says I have to go to a psychologist at school and my mother is hiring a lawyer to sue John for ruining my life and makiing me fat.”
It’s not only the kids who are hurt by Mayer’s sudden change of heart.
“How am I going to tell John everything I am doing every second of my life,” said 45 year old Gennaro Bellaforte, a Brooklyn, New York pizza maker.
“He used to send me stuff all the time about what was going on and I told him about the band I had in high school. I mean, we talked a lot. So many times he would tell me, ‘you guys are the best,’ and I knew he was talking about me and my kids. It used to be cool and now — now it’s all gone. Today is my 9-11. I swear on my kids eyes — today is my 9-11. How am I going to live now that he has done this to me? How will I know when he’s having a beer in San Diego or laying down tracks in a studio? I am calling my lawyer in the morning — I swear on my kid’s eyes, I’m calling my lawyer.”
Ah, look at all the lonely people. Do not think that Twittering with a famous person means you know them and that they know you. They will step over you in the gutter even if your dying gurgling last tweet is just to say good-bye to them.