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Lance Armstrong hires criminal defense attorney because — well, you know he did “it.”

Lemond Armstrong Cycling

He says it’s just a formality but somebody’s got the “juice” on this guy and he’s protecting his ass.   As they say, “The bigger the lock the bigger the crook.”

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CORONERS FEAR: “Brittany Murphy and Simon Moonjack were vampires.”

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The Los Angeles County Coroner’s Office has determined that Simon Monjack died from acute pneumonia and severe anemia, which eerily are the same two conditions that caused the death of his wife, Brittany Murphy, late last year.  This cause of death can only happen when a vampire doesn’t drink enough blood, and with the proliferation of vampires amongst Hollywood’s young folk, this condition is becoming more and more common.  They simpy can’t eat each other and the blood in Europe is […]

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COREY HAIM REINCARNATED AS A WHITE BABY IN A BLACK FAMILY

WHAT'CHOO TALKIN BOUT GENETICISTS !!!!!!

A Nigerian couple in England are the proud parents of what appears to be a white infant.   The baby was born with blond hair and blue eyes and looks an awful lot like the late actor  Corey Haim.   Scientists in England were a bit befuddled but as soon as the baby started asking for Corey Feldman the mystery was solved.   Things will get complicated when the new Corey gets old enough to look down and see that he’s returned as a girl. […]

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EXHUMED ELVIS LESBIAN ROBOT ZOMBIE GETS $35K SETTLEMENT OVER CANCELED PROM.

Lesbian Prom Date

  A lesbian student who was really an animated doll that which was fashioned from the exhumed reamins of Elvis has been paid  $35,000 to settle a discrimination lawsuit the ACLU filed on her behalf because she/he/it fucked up the wholesomeness of a quite country prom by being a big, pushy lesbian zombie. The district also agreed to follow a non-discrimination policy as part of the settlement, though it argues such a policy was already in place but it did not take […]

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LINDSAY LOHAN IS IN JAIL, ROBERT SHAPIRO IS A PHONY and JUDGE MARSHA REVEL IS A HERO.

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SOMEDAY SOMEBODY IS EITHER GOING TO THANK THIS JUDGE OR AT LEAST GIVE HER CREDIT FOR TRYING TO SAVE LINDSAY LOHAN. HEAR YE! HEAR YE!  HEAR YE!!  I am NEVER wrong!  I predicted that this new lawyer Stuart V. Goldberg was poisonous and his “we’ll get them” routine was only going to get Lindsay Lohan in more trouble and it almsot did.  For some reason Goldberg mysteriously vanished into the night.  Robert Shapiro showed up for a second or two, and […]

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TV CHEF LYDIA BASTIANICH SAYS, “BRENDAN FRASER AND ELENA KAGAN WERE SEPERATED AS CHILDREN.”

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WHOEVER SAID THAT A HAIR TRANSPLANT LOOKS LIKE ROWS OF CORN didn’t ever conjure up the notion that someday a hair transplant would rejoin a long lost pair of siblings.  Such is the case with actor Brendan Fraser and that Supreme Court thingy Elena Kagan. “As I was doing the transplant on Brendan Fraser I started to notice something strange,” said Dr. Bosley Beasley of the Bosley Hair Transplant and Second Mortgage Clinic.  “The more hair I added to the […]

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WARDEN FEARS, “PHIL SPECTOR COULD BLOW OUT OF PRISON IN SPRINGTIME”

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Warden Humhphrey Chiztoner had stated publicly that additional security measures have been installed around convicted murderer Phil Spector.  “Phil is a cagey one,” said Chiztoner.  “His head germinates in the early spring and there is a good chance that he could simply blow away.  “Just to be bitches, we have added a ‘WALL OF SOUND’ around Spector, but even that can’t keep the April breezes from taking him away into the air.  The good news, however, is that whoever catches […]

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CLAY AIKEN GETS HIS SWEATER CIRCUMSIZED — ANGERS RABBI.

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“It was getting all hot and sticky and cheesy under there, y’all, so I went and got it cut,” said testosterone deficient singer  Clay Aiken.  “Now you can see the head and I think it looks a little more proportionate.” Clay Aiken was talking about his heavy, cable knit sweater and not his foreskin because as you all know, a lot of southern people are trashy and don’t know enough to get their kids circumsized.  Also a foreskin comes in handy […]

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