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Marilyn Monroe regrets that she can’t sing “Happy Birthday” to President Obama today.

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The overhyped in death, sorta-slutty drug addicted Marilyn Monroe would have been 84 years old last June had she not had the misfortune of hanging around with the Kennedys and self-proclaimed acting coach guru Lee Strasberg.   Now there is nobody left to sing a breathy Happy Birthday to President Obama today — his 50th birthday.  Some people thought it was undignified of Obama to appear on “The View” but what could have been less dignified than having that train-wreck Marilym Monroe singing […]

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Sarah Jessica Parker Kidnaps Dee Snider and Takes Over Twisted Sister.

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“I’m where I should have always been,” said the gay man’s and lonely fat girl’s true  heroine ,Sarah Jessica Parker from a recording studio on Long Island.  “I should have done this a long time ago.  I feel good.  The mole on my chin has grown back and my face is growing more and more abnormally long like the doctors told my parents it would when I was born.  I’m where I want to be.” These are pretty glib words considering that […]

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ANIMAL LOVING HYPOCRITES IN MASSACHUSETTS SAY, “KILL THOSE SEALS!”

A SEAL AFTER IT WAS TOSSED TO A SHARK BY MASSACHUSETTS RESIDENTS.

First they let Jack and Bobby get away with murder and rape and mayhem with Marilyn Monroe.  Then they were all for oil free energy but they didn’t want the wind required turbines in their water.   Now, despite years of animal rights activism and liberal politics  in The Bay State, the dopey people of  Massachusetts want the  happy and cute seals who have taken up residence on their New England shores —–TO DIE! This week residents were ecstatic to see great white sharks treading the surf at Chatham […]

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Little People, Big Terrorists? NYPD Connects The Dots.

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Not one midget was killed on 9-11 <——click here. “We just don’t think that midgets should be down here trying to do what normal people do,” said New York City subway patrolman John Brady as he kicked a midget dressed as Michael Jackson in New York Penn Station.   “It’s an insult to Michael Jackson and people of average height  and to all the people from five foot two to six feet seven who got killed on 9-11.  We don’t even want the mayor […]

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DOCTORS FEAR: “THE TOP OF LEONARDO DICAPRIO’S HEAD MIGHT BREAK OFF.

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The scaffolding being erected around Leonardo DiCaprio’s head is not being done by carpenters as one would assume.  Rather,  it’s being assembled by a team of neurosurgeons who are desperately trying to stop DiCaprio’s over-sized cranium from lifting off and falling onto his shoulders.  or perhaps shooting off into space. “If  the top of his gigantic head should seperate it could fall onto his shouders,” said Dr. Falko Strenz of the Hospital For Advanced Huge Head Studies.  “No matter whicc […]

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SURGERY COMPLETE: Barry Manilow is now a rare seabird.

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As the sun rises over the 10,000 block of Sunset Boulevard in Los Angeles, California, singer Barry Manilow lies in a recovery room after undergoing the final in a series of complex reconstructive surgeries that have converted him from a human being to a seagull and finally to the rarely seen Pacific Leather Vested Whooping Crane. TheDamienZone.com last reported that Manilow was enjoying life as a seagull and that last night’s surgery would be the last in his conversion.  Over […]

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BARRY MANILOW UNDERGOING PLASTIC SURGERY TO BECOME RARE SEABIRD.

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After several operations in which singer Barry Manilow is attempting to transform himself into a rare seabird,  Manilow appeared on a beach in Dana Point, California to answer reporter’s questions.   “Currently I am still a work in progress,” said Manilow.  “At this point I am just a seagull or, to be more precise, I am a Pacific Tern, but later today I will have another surgery and hopefully my dream plan will be hatched.”   Barry Manilow has been enduring a harrowing  series of plastic surgeries that […]

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Want to complain about a restaurant? TheDamienZone.com wants to hear.

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So many people come grumbling out of shithole restaurants, but all they do is get to complain about it to friends and family.  We here at TheDamienZone.com want you to tell us your story. We don’t care how foul your language or who you offend, we will put up your restaurant complaint for all the world to see.  We only ask that you are serious and not just trying to screw a place because your ex-husband owns it or something like […]

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