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BARRY MANILOW UNDERGOING PLASTIC SURGERY TO BECOME RARE SEABIRD.

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After several operations in which singer Barry Manilow is attempting to transform himself into a rare seabird,  Manilow appeared on a beach in Dana Point, California to answer reporter’s questions.   “Currently I am still a work in progress,” said Manilow.  “At this point I am just a seagull or, to be more precise, I am a Pacific Tern, but later today I will have another surgery and hopefully my dream plan will be hatched.”   Barry Manilow has been enduring a harrowing  series of plastic surgeries that […]

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Want to complain about a restaurant? TheDamienZone.com wants to hear.

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So many people come grumbling out of shithole restaurants, but all they do is get to complain about it to friends and family.  We here at TheDamienZone.com want you to tell us your story. We don’t care how foul your language or who you offend, we will put up your restaurant complaint for all the world to see.  We only ask that you are serious and not just trying to screw a place because your ex-husband owns it or something like […]

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Doctors ask: “Does gender fuck comic “CARROT TOP” put steroids in his eyeliner?”

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He used to be a skinny little stick of a kid,  but now he is a hulking beastly she-man with small balls and a whole lotta make-up.  This sudden change in appearance has tongues wagging that Vegas comic Carrot Top may not only be putting steroids in  his eyeliner, he might also be what sex doctors call a “gender-fuck.”   Yes,  gender fuck is the scientific term for somebody who seems very feminine in one respect and very masculine in another,  but some of his […]

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Cast of “JERSEY SHORE” fears that Mel Gibson hates Guidos.

DID MELL GIBSON CALL THE LOVEABLE JERSEY SHORE KIDS "GINNYS?"  ONE HINDU AT VERIZON THINKS IT'S POSSIBLE.

Mike “The Situation”  Sorrentino, the rocket scientist turned Jersey Guido and costar of MTV’s “Jersey Shore”  got the shock of his life when he checked the telephone messages at the Seaside Heights, New Jersey home he shares with the rest of the MTV cast. “The freakin area code was 310 so I freakin knew it was Los Angeles,” said Sorrentino. This guy who left the message was  freakin screaming into the phone.   Man, I got so pumped and mad that I had to go to […]

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A teary Sean Hannity announces, “I am losing my sense of touch.”

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First Rush Limbaugh went deaf and then Glenn Beck annnounced that he’s going blind, but just when you thought the news couldn’t get any worse, it was announced today that Sean Hannity’s doctor’s have discovered that the Fox pundit is rapidly  losing his sense of touch. “In a few more weeks he won’t be able to feel anything,” said his doctor Shamus O’Magillicutty.  “He will never know if he himself is scratching his balls or if someone else is doing it for […]

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GAY PRIESTS IN ROME: SO MANY VOWS, SO LITTLE TIME.

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A new scandal rocked the Catholic Church today after three priests were filmed at gay nightspots and having casual sex.  What made the scandal even worse was that the priests were using the sacrificial wine to get drunk and  using the confessionals as Buddy Booths.  When a regular run-of-the-mill sinner slipped in the confessional on a puddle of Whet, a personal lubricant popular amongst the clergy,  the Vatican called out its big guns.  These are priests with really big penises who punish […]

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ZSA ZSA GABOR DIES — ALMOST. VEGAS ODDS AT 2-1.

YEARS AGO ZSA ZSA POSED FOR HER MORTICIAN IN ANTICIPATION OF THIS EVENT.  SADLY THE MORTICIAN WHO WAS 27 AT THE TIME HAS DIED FROM OLD AGE.

NOT YET — BUT WE’LL KEEP YOU POSTED.  

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France: Anger as Sarkozy Says Gypsies Pose Crime Problem – DUH!

FRANCE VIOLENCE

France is getting what it deserves but oddly French President Sarkozy is  not — he’s the good guy.  During his rise to and occupancy of the French presidency, Nicolas Sarkozy has regularly announced new law-and-order offensives in the hopes of stoking support among the majority of French voters who say they’re scared of crime. Typically, those policies have taken aim at Sarkozy’s preferred target: the banlieues, the troubled suburban housing projects that ring most French cities and are populated by […]

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