At a recent gig at Fifi’s Bowling Alley Bar and Grill, it was announced that comic Joe Rogan will replace Joey Lawrence on the squirmingly bad and unfunny ABC Family show “Melissa and Joey.”  it is rumored that Rogan who is best known, and most talented at, making people eat live cockroaches and for setting off metal detectors with his iron fillings hair transplant, will replace Joey Lawrence because producers want the show to be even less funny but they want to keep the weird hair concept intact.

“It’s sounds cray,” said Italian film producer Mildren Sclafani who is a source close to the show.

“You would think that the producers want the show to be funnier but this time TV has taken a step forward.  For the sake of art, the producers feel that adding Joe Rogan as a fulcrum for unfunniness will enable the show to reach new heights of unintentional unfunniness.  It’s a bold move but they hope that the show will become so bad that it’s good.  I think it’s a great move for TV sitcoms as a form of performance art.”

There has been no comment about any of this from the Rogan camp but the big time comic has been busy playing gigs at places so out of the way that there is no cell phone service.   The report that came in from Fifi’s Bowling alley in the wilds of northern Quebec came about only because one die-hard Rogan fan had a pocket full of change and called it in on an old pay phone.

“I normally use zee change for zee drinks, you know,” said Coco Montagne of Isle St. Lucien, Quebec.  “So they ask me, they say that they need zee moeny for zee phone and I had with me maybe close to four dollars in coins.  The phone work good so we make the call but then I have no money for a beer, but maybe I do a good ting, no?”

Melissa Joan Hart must be getting annoyed that she can’t have a real co-host with real talent and comedic skills.  Sources say that she is not on board with this “artistic but unfunny” thing and that she might bail out of the show altogether.

Sources say that they can’t find any actress unfunny enough to pair with Joe Rogan and that if Hart goes, the whole thing goes down the drain — which would really suck for Joe Rogan because his next gig in Setlaka Alleutian Islands, Alaska has not sold out and the club that holds fifty people was supposed to be his next big gig.

First there were the vicious rumors about Joey Lawrence having hair transplants.  Then there were rumors that Joey was going to walk off the set of the top-secret Bigfoot movie he was filming with Italian mega-producer Mildred Sclafani – but he did indeed finish the film and now the project is in post production and scheduled for an Easter weekend release. 

 Then there were rumors that Joey was going to be on Jersey Shore — that still has time to happen so we don’t know. 

The latest story, however, has Joey Lawrence mixed up in a very strange early morning gay scandal on the beach in New Jersey. 

According to sources close to the filming of “Requiem For A Seaside Heights Zombie” — the movie that stars Pia Toscano, Stefano Langone and Joey Lawrence there was a gay scandal involving Joey Lawrence while the movie was being filmed on the boardwalk in Seaside Heights, New Jersey USA.

“There were a bunch of young gay guys who hung around the set of the movie when they filmed at dawn,” said producer Mildren Scalfani.

“It seems that a few of the guys had schoolgirl crushes on Joey Lawrence and they tried to sneak onto the set claiming that they were his cousins.  While they were being denied access to the set, another bunch of gay guys smitten with Joey entered the set from the beach disguised as electrical workers from the city who were doing safety inspections.

“Joey was aware that the gay guys were trying to access the set,” continued Sclafani “but he was not aware that the electrical safety guys were really crazed gay fans who wanted to get sexy with him as he prepared for a shirtless scene with Stefano Langone.”

Sclafani went on to say that the Langone was playfully helping Joey shave off a few stray chest hairs and this drove the fake gay electric inspectors wild.  They tore off their clothes and threw themselves at Joey.  One of the bigger gay guys picked up Langone and threw him into the ocean.  Joey ran down the beach to try to rescue Langone but he was tackled by the nude fake electrical inspectors. 

By the time Seaside Heights Police arrived, the ocean current had pulled Langone south into Seaside Park which is out of their jurisdiction so they went for breakfast. 

Joey continued on down to Seaside Park fighting off the attack of the gays.  Finally he dove unselfishly into the choppy Seaside Park ocean waters and pulled Langone out of the churning surf.  For a moment the two shirtless actors rolled about in what seemed to be a little bit of an over-dramatic rescue and an obvious excuse to touch and tackle each other.

After that, Joey grabbed a lifeguard’s safety line and tied up all four of the gay fake electrical inspectors. 

The scandal arose when photos emerged of a nearly nude Joey Lawrence tying up a bunch of naked sweaty men.  One of the gays who pretended to be a cousin, ran with the group and snapped a lot of pictures, and before he was nabbed by Seaside Park Police, some of those pictures ended up in the hands of a local newspaper who agreed to not publish them in exchange for some bit parts in the movie.

Seaside Park Police  arrested all of the gay guys and for a few moments they even arrested Joey.

“It was a mistake but we assumed that by the look of him — the muscles and the shaved chest and plucked eyebrows – that Joey was one of the gay stalkers,” said Seaside Park Commissar, Griegery VanAnheltten, 46, of nearby Ortley Beach and a 26-year veteran of the force.

“And the way Mr. Lawrence rolled around on the beach with Stefano like he was Burt Lancaster and Stefano was Deborah Kerr in “From Here To Eternity”—well, I know my Deborah Kerr movies and the whole thing looked very gay to me. 

“Also, Mr. Lawrence looked really gay around the eyebrows and it was a mistake any straight cop like me could have made.  By the time I rounded all of those guys up, Mr. Lawrence was already in the backseat of my prowler with the gay stalkers. 

“I don’t know what happened in there but I got Mr. Lawrence out of there as soon as Mrs. Sclafani insisted that it wasJoey Lawrence cramped up inside my prowler and not some hunky muscle-pumped, eyebrow-tweezing, speedo-bulging, chest-shaving, hot and slippery go-go boy.” 

“I am sure Mr. Lawrence  was unharmed, but it was pretty tight in there for those five minutes. It is quite possible that somebody in my police cruiser may have gotten off. It might even have been me,  That’s why they call it a cruiser. We won’t know, however until the DNA test on my upholstery is analyzed for semen by internal affairs.”

Langone, a little out of breath and water-logged, was treated for minor abrasions he received when his face brushed against the sand and then repeatedly on the  stubble of Joey’s shaved chest hair as they rolled around a little too long in the pounding surf. 

Doctors said Langone was okay, and with a little makeup, the scene was eventually shot about an hour after the disruption.

Pia Toscano, who plays the part of a vibrating Guidette singer who kills zombies and makes gravy and meatballs for Sunday pasta for the zombie survivors, was not on the set at the time and she missed the whole thing.

Pia Toscano was at “Killin Time” rehearsal studios on Route 36 in Keansburg, New Jersey USA, where she was working on her inner vibrato — the horrifying vibrating sound her voice makes that destroys zombies….and a lot of innocent people.  Food scientists in West Caldwell and East Hanover, NJ., think that Pia’s vocal vibrations are what gives her Sunday gravy with sausages and meatballs and bracciolle, it’s unique flavor,

Seaside Park Investigators arrested 4 gays and charged them with criminal impersonation, tresspassing, and creating a public menace with intent to do harm to an individual. 

Arrested were:  Vale Brigbeltter, 22, of Asbury Park,  Paul Cattenpatch, 48, of Tinton Falls,  Darren Cusp-Spuch 31, of Brigantine, and Campari Jidrool, 26, of Aukland, New Zealand.

All four were held in the Ocean County Lockup until they posted bail.  Jidrool jumped bail and is presumed to be back in New Zealand.

“Joey was a little shook up by all this,” said producer Mildred Sclafani, “But in the end this fiasco helped him with the scene he was about to play with Langone. 

“Without giving away too much about this movie, the scene we were shooting was one where the Seaside Heights zombies have killed all the women of Seaside Heights and the remaining Guiodos have to resort to gay love. Joey and Stefano’s characters toy with the idea of having a heavy bromance, but in the end they decide to try to make it to Point Pleasant - a nearby chick-filled beach that the zombies fear because it is controlled by the mob who run really cheap TV commercials for Jenkinson’s.

Just another day in the life of Joey Lawrence — superstar!

“Joey is really excited about his upcoming appearance on GLEE,” said Mildred Sclafani, a documentary producer and cryptozoologist who has worked with TV star Joey Lawrence on her Bigfoot documentary which will appear on HBO in January.

“Joey loves GLEE and he loves the GLEEKS,” continued Scalfani.  “He’s also happy that GLEE will not be cancelled as rumored and that a whole new set of shows will be filmed for 2012 and on into 2013 — and the best part is that Joey will be part of the cast.”

TheDamienZone, in an exclusive interview with Ms. Scalfani scored some other great juicy bits of juicy inside information about GlEE and Joey Lawrence.

How about the fact that Joey will appear in the show as a guy named Slade Giuliano — a faded rock and roll guitarist who comes into the show after having just received his teaching credentials from UCLA and he immediately sets out to turn some unhappy Goth rockers into an international sensation.

This years GLEE holiday episode will introduce Joey Lawrence’s character  (Slade) when he tries to sell his old band’s touring bus to the school.  One thing leads to another and Slade winds up staying in a hotel near the school.  He notices that some of the Goth kids have some real talent and he decides to whip them into shape.   He gets offered a teaching job and the next thing you know, the Goth band, “Cathedral Ceiling” is born and becomes an overnight sensation.

Actually the band already exists in the form of four young actors– each with a Hollywood connection.  Shane Blythe, 18, the band’s lead singer, is the grandson of film legend Ann Blyth who is best remembered for playing the part of Veda Pierce, Joan Crawford’s ungrateful and social climbing daughter in the classic film, Mildred Pierce.

Behind Shane on lead guitar will also be,  Dane-Reed Stamos 17, nephew of actor John Stamos; Codey Englund 18, the youngest son of Freddie Krueger actor Robert Englund will man the bass.  On drums will be Kadin Forsythe, 18, the great-grandson of the late actor John Forsythe who we all remember for his voice as Charlie on “Charlie’s Angels” and for his dashing portrayal of Blake Carrington on the 80s smash Tv show, Dynasty.

“Joey Lawrence is working long hours with Cathedral Ceiling and he will even do a few songs with them on GLEE,” said Sclafani.  “They are certainly Goth oriented, but their songs are not harsh or brooding.  They have written some lovely ballads and Joey Lawrence has even brought in a 100 member boy’s choir from Switzerland to do background on the band’s super smash hit,  “Lone Apostle.”

GLEE producers are running around squashing rumors that the show is going to be cancelled.  The cast has all agreed to new contracts, and bringing Joey Lawrence and Cathedral Ceiling on board will only make the show bigger and better.  

The GLEEKS are going to be floored by this — especially when Justin Bieber does a guest spot as a homeless kid who turns out to be the long lost little brother of one of the band members.  Justin’s character,  Mace Beauregard, was kidnapped as an infant and never seen again — but he pops up in a very special episode of GLEE.

Here’s to the new and improved GLEE!

Satillite debris is hurling towards the New Jersey coast, and some experts fear that the bus-sized chunk of space debris will hit the beach in Seaside Heights where MTV films the popular show, “Jersey Shore.”  The towns are safe but the beach is in possible danger.  Even though the beaches are empty now that summer is over, there is a big movie being filmed on the beach and that’s where things get worrisome.

The odds of anyone getting hurt on the set are slim, but child actor turned big time movie star, Joey Lawrence, is a bit upset because the set of his movie with Pia Toscano had to be shut down for safety reasons.

“The director wants to be sure that nobody affiliated with the movie gets hurt in case the space debris should fall on the set of “Seaside Heights Zombie,” said a source close to the filming.

“Joey Lawrence is insured on this picture for over $50 million and the insurance company wants him out of harm’s way.   As of this morning,  the entire crew and cast for the film, has been moved to an old World War 2 bunker in Sandy Hook, NJ — a state beach about 60 miles north of Seaside Heights.”

According to our sources at NASA, the guys who are tracking the falling debris did a very intricate calculation and the path of the fall would put the satillite smack dab in the middle of the set of Seaside Heights Zombies. 

“We take the lives of all Americans seriously,” said NASA Trajectologist Dr. Dean Switchy PhD.  “Even if they are Guidos or Guidettes or has-been actors with spray-on hair, we could not sleep at night if anyone was killed or injured by falling space junk.  We take this very seriously.”

Mildred Sclafani, a Bigfoot expert, and the woman who is funding the entire movie project has agreed to pay the state of New Jersey $500,000 for the use of the bunker which has not been used since 1944.  in the event the NASA satelitte debris does hit Seaside Heights, the movie can be finished in the Sandy Hook area and the nude gay guys who lurk in the dunes and bushes there can get parts as zombie extras.

“That’s going to put me a little over-budget for the film, but I would not want anything to hurt a single transplanted hair on Joey’s head,” said Sclafani as she drove towards the bunker on NJ Highway 36 where she stopped for a few minutes to listen to some young inbred musicans from Keansburg jam at Killin’ Time Studios.

Joey Lawrence, fresh off a new set of hair transplants, is ready to join the cast of “Jersey Shore” for a three week guest stay at the infamous beach house in Seaside Heights, NJ.   Joey will drive down from NYC with The Situation and Pauly D after he gets a light coat of long-lasting scalp darkener at his dermatologist’s office.

“Joey is Italian and has always expressed an interest in being part of Jersey Shore,” said Mildred Sclafani, a famous Bigfoot authority who also runs a chain of arcades on the Seaside Heights Boardwalk.

“I met Joey when he was researching my story and wanted to make a horror movie based on Bigfoot sightings in the New York and New Jersey area and also the Jersey Devil which is said to live very close to the Seaside area, although that is outside my field of expertise.

“He’s a nice kid and he fits in well with the Guido crowd.  He shaves his chest and he pumps iron — and he’s Italian.  He likes my meatballs and gravy and he had a second helping when he had dinner at my summer home in Lavalette which is only a mile or so from here.  So he decided to go and catch the filming of Jersey Shore so we took a walk over to the Jersey Shore house and the cast was really glad to meet Joey. They instantly signed a contract and Joey started filming in less than a day.”

TheDamienZone heard from the rumor mill that Joey’s transplants are growing in great and he recently appeared on a radio show to dimiss the hair transplant rumors — but he wore a hat that made him look like Peter Lorre in a jungle movie so we could not see the great new hair and the dark brown scalp paint.   The radio station ( for real) sent TheDamienZone an email denying Joey’s transplants and botox — but they forget about the Restolin treatments for his clown mouth lines.   The radio station also sent TheDamienZone a comment that contained a nasty virus — now was that nice, Joey?

So anyway, Joey is rumored to be puffing up his hair — frosting the tips of his newly sprouted foliage — and getting a set of light blue contacts.  Luckily his eyebrows are already plucked to Guido perfection, his tan is almost dark enough, and his chest is spotlessly waxed — unless you look up close and see the waxing bumps.

The Situation is excited that he will no longer be the oldest player in the Jersey Shore cast  because Joey Lawrence is now 40 and The Situation is only 37 — although it is rumored that he is actually 51.   A fat woman claiming to be the long lost Canadian wife of The Situation showed up at Ocean County Family Services with her daughter and a grandchild aged about 2.  So nobody really knows who is the oldest. 

The first episode with Joey Lawrence will air towards the end of the season.  In that episode, which is still being edited, Joey goes with Mike “The Situation”  to a dermatologist and holds Mike’s hand while he gets the huge mole removed from his cheek.  The operation fails, but while they are there Joey decides to get a few quick plugs of hair put in his right temple where a few had been pecked out by a seagull on the first day of filming.

According to sources, Joey plans on staying on in Seaside to work in a Zombie thriller movie with Pia Toscano and Stefan Langone.  The feature length film, “Seaside Heights Zombies” which will also star Jimmy Smits and Kevin Bacon, is going to be a Christmas box office blockbuster.  A part was written for Joey after they found an opening in his schedule.  Joey will play an aging, down on his luck singer who tries to help Pia Toscano with her singing so that she can better defend herself against the zombies.  The movies is already in production and parts of Seaside Heights have been shut down for filming.

You can read about that movie here.  http://thedamienzone.com/2011/04/15/pia-toscano-and-stefano-langone-in-new-jersey-shore-movie/

So reliable sources say that Joey Lawrence is going to be on Jersey Shore and he’s already hanging out at the Surf Club in Seaside and trying to get in the groove for the third episode — he’s already in the can for two of them.