Many or most of my readers know by now that I am NOT a fan of the stupid stuff people “share” on Facebook.
If you know anything about me, you should know that I view Facebook as the long-lost, ancestral homeland of the Simpletons — a species of sub intellects who pass along mindless and moronic garbage — and that includes pics of their children and grandchildren, assorted pets, plates of food, their new car, Victorian era screw-you greeting cards and “likes” or “clicks” for babies who need heart transplants — you know the drill — or maybe you don’t.
Yeah, so I hate stupid Facebook shit, and wouldn’t you know that the newest moronic Facebook share — a hardened turd of info that is now shared by the average Facebook moron — is actually about shit — dog shit. Does it get any dumber? Yes, it does.
Perhaps you’ve already gotten the “dogs poop north and south story” shared on your wall. And, the odds are overwhelming that the version you got was shared by some idiot (besides yourself) who you know to be a simple-minded numbskull.
I found it on my Facebook page – six times this week alone.
Yes, I admit to having a Facebook page, but mine exists only as a scientific experiment. My Facebook is there for all the world to see with the hope that it will be that shining star on a hill which will lead morons to that happier place where they can forever share their silly stories and fake celebrity quotes and pictures of food and “click if you like baby heart transplants.”. But— when you drag dog shit into the whole thing, I draw the line.
LISTEN, MORONS: DOGS DO NOT LINE UP THEIR BODIES IN A NORTH-SOUTH DIRECTION WHEN THEY POOP. THIS IS NOT TRUE. IT’S NOT EVEN CUTE OR FUN OR SILLY. IT’S FRIGHTENING BECAUSE IT SHOWS THAT THE EXTREME DUMBNESS OF FACEBOOK HAS GONE TOO FAR. AND THAT THE PROVERBIAL “MORONIC FACEBOOK SHARER” IS NOW VENTURING INTO THE WORLD OF FAKE SCIENTIFIC STUDY.
You might ask, “Why so angry, Damien?” or “How do YOU know it’s not true?”
Firstly, I am not angry. I am never angry. People simply assume that I’m angry. It’s not true. I am not even slightly angry. Also, 1) I do not live in my mom’s basement. 2) I am not “off my meds” and 3) I am not “pathetic” — and I do not need to, 4) “Get a life!“
Save those played-out comments for that old hag Arianna “ I-married-a-gay-politician-to-get-into-the-USA” Huffington. That’s just about her speed. As for me, I am not angry. Of course I detest Arianna Huffington, but that doesn’t mean I’m angry. It just means I hate that old sack of Hellenistic piece of dog shit — and speaking of dog shit….
I now know all about it and the incredibly stupid stories about dog shit and polar magnetic fields because I asked experts — and nobody gets better experts than I do.
My experts are so informed about everything that one of them even knows all there is to know about dog shit. I doubt that he’s very proud of that fact, but he sure sounds like he is. Perhaps he always knew that someday his knowledge of dog shit and the shitting dogs who shit out that dog shit would come in handy, and that someday…is today.
“I have seen the stories floating around in social media about a study of dogs and their compass-like process of defecation,” said Dr. Wilhelm Thiess PhD, a retired professor of Zoology and a Companion Animal Behavior Expert.
“This silly thing started with a totally unscientific study which was put out for public consumption by a fringe publication called FRONTIERS IN ZOOLOGY. Whomever wrote that absurd report accommodated his or her own silliness by adding the disclaimer that dogs do not always align their feces according to the magnetic field of the earth. They added that the earth’s magnetic field is sometimes unsteady and the dog will do its business in whichever direction he or she pleases.
“I was not aware that the earth’s magnetic field is ever unsteady. The reason I was not aware of that fact is because it it’s not a fact at all. What is indeed a fact, however, is that a dog will pass its feces wherever and whenever and in whichever direction it desires. Dogs have no bathroom etiquette or geographical coordinates in mind when they defecate unless you count the dogs who are housebroken, and even then there is no magnetic influence on where they drop their fecal load.
“If you want my unabashed opinion on this, I think the person who fathered this silly story has an OCD problem. Perhaps this person is not content with the way their dog aligns his fecal matter and they wish it would always point in a certain direction. This person might have some kind of demented moral compass, but a dog’s anus has no compass of any kind. This is why we have pooper-scooper laws.
“If you ask me, the larger problem would be the people who walk their dogs with garbage bags in their hands with the intent of picking up the feces, but we all know that when no one is around most people will not pick up the feces. The plastic bag is a ruse, and that’s as it should be. Dogs should be allowed to defecate wherever they want and that excrement should be allowed to degrade naturally on a city street or a country road regardless if it’s pointing north, south, east or west. In Germany, it’s considered to be good luck if you step in it.”
Thank you, Dr. Thiess for your expert opinion.
Now, as much as I hate to ask — please SHARE THIS ARTICLE on your Facebook page. You might be saving a dog from being euthanized by a crazed owner who things there must be something incredibly wrong with their dog who shits in the wrong direction. Hey, crazier things have happened.
One last thing from a mega Zoologist who also happens to be a popular television and film writer. You can read more about him here: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm3834680/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
“Oh, this dumb thing again? Listen, dogs walk in small circles when they prepare to poop because they are showing their instinctive behavior of trampling the tall grasses where they would hide from larger predators in the days before they became mankind’s companions. If you watch wild dogs, they make about 5 turns before they excrete feces. This is the observed behavior that probably led to this stupid hoax. It’s funny and amusing to some extent, but there is truly no real science behind this story about dogs laying down their feces in a north-south direction. It’s an internet hoax — and it really worked for the hoaxers because so many people have asked me about this in the past few weeks. Listen, dogs will shit wherever they want. They have no anal compass. Good luck dismissing this stupid myth.”