The “Long Island Medium” Theresa Caputo, very recently aired her very fake Christmas 2013 Episode — “fake” because it was filmed last year.
In that VERY SPECIAL FAKE EPISODE of “THE VERY FAKE LONG ISLAND MEDIUM” Theresa engaged in a heart-warming meatball-making contest.
Theresa’s meatballs (no bread crumbs please) were pitted against those made by her master-chef-mother-in-law. It was a spirited competition to be sure, and I think her mother-in-law was named Connie. I also think that Connie, in all probability, takes at least two blood pressure pills per day and she likes to talk about those medications more than she likes talking about her cooking.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Even if the writer is guessing that mom-in-law’s name is Connie and that she takes blood pressure meds, what are the odds that he’s right? Pretty good, wouldn‘t you say?
I acknowledge, quite painfully, that the elite Caputo family is very high-born and refined and that I am not. I am also keenly aware that an Italian-America meatball-making contest out on Long Island, New York is as sporting and highbrow as a polo match in Beverly Hills or a game of cricket at Ascot, England — all are out my league.
Theresa Caputo and her high society family never fail to make me excruciatingly aware of my own humble roots. Sometimes I even lie and tell people that Theresa is my cousin because I want to improve my image and my social standing within my community.
The Caputo’s cause me to get what psychologists call “status anxiety” but yet I watch. I guess it’s a kind of masochism or something. I know I will never reach the top of Mount Caputo. Sadly, I have never been to Center Moriches or Massapequa or Oyster Bay, but I can live vicariously through that wonderful woman who pretends that she can speak to the dead, and who, by the way, eventually beat her mother-in-law in the Italian-American-Christmas-Meatball-Making Contest of 2013 that was actually filmed in the late summer of 2012. Where’d they get all those poinsettias anyway?
All of this is sorta-kinda beside the point, because my real reason for writing this blog entry is to talk about women with overly long acrylic fingernails and the dreaded cruise ship virus that ruins the dream vacations of diarrhea-ers and vomiters who end up quarantined in their poop-stinking cabins.
“The smell of human stool was everywhere on our ship. Even if you went to the highest part of the ship, even to the mast, you could smell the vomit and feces and the overall combination of both fragrances.”[ Elaine Stritch, Broadway stage actress and passenger on a a cruise ship where 50% of the passengers came down with the cruise ship illness.]
So I think I may have made an incredibly giant scientific discovery, and I have no one to thank but Theresa Caputo and her meat-stinking fingernails for this serendipitous insight into a scientific mystery.
I remember as kid learning about a scientist — a chemist named Frederic August Kekule — who figured out the molecular structure of the chemical benzene. For many years the chemical was used and made and experimented with, but nobody could figure out its molecular structure.
Kekule said that he made his discovery whilst dreaming about a snake biting its own tail, and today we now know all about the very important “benzene ring.” Ironically, Kekule and I both ventured into the unknown world of spirits and dreams, and we both came up with fantastic scientific discoveries that will change the world.
Here’s the thing. While Theresa was making her meatballs, I noticed that her acrylic nails were very long and disgusting. She was mixing ground pork, veal, beef and eggs with her bare hands — and those nails.
I thought to myself, “How the hell is she going to get all the microorganisms from that ground meat off of her fingernails? How is she going to wash all of those salmonella and E. Coli bacteria out from the crevices of those white claws? She may have won the meatball-making contest, but she had no chance of winning the war on diarrhea.
Certainly Theresa Caputo must take great pride in her gaudy talons, and there is no way on earth that she is about to wash her hands very thoroughly — as per cruise ship regulations — simply because her manicure is obviously more important to her than causing her dinner guests to shit their brains out and puke on the side of the Long Island Expressway after a meal at her home.
Naturally, the more loathsome consequences of Theresa’s unsanitary nails got me to thinking, “How does Theresa Caputo wipe her ass with nails like that?” Then I realized that even though she might wash her hands after pooping, she can’t possibly scrub her nails too. She’s not going to ruin her manicure — no shot.
Then I connected the dots. I figured out how the cruise ship virus — Norwalk Virus or norovirus — is spread. I know how it happens. The answer was right there on the tips of our fingers. Well, maybe not “our” fingers, but the fingers of women with long acrylic nails who cannot possibly wipe their asses properly and who must also not WASH those nails which get coated with a gentle smearing of feces and stool and poop.
And then…THEN THEY TOUCH SOMETHING….and you touch it. Then you touch something else, and before you know it, everybody is shitting and puking and moaning and groaning. The vacation is ruined. Those afflicted are quarantined to their cabins while the poopy-fingernail women lounge by the pool drinking a Pina Colada — unaware, or perhaps not even caring, that their long acrylic nails harbor grave dangers — million and billions of microbes that came out in their poop.
I talked to one physician about my idea. He sat and stared at me in astonishment. At first I thought he was going to say that I was insane, but then he hugged me and said that I was a genius. Here is is his statement.
“Women with long, acrylic or even natural fingernails, cannot possibly clean their anuses properly after they pass stool because the toilet paper must be held with the nail tips. Most women fear breaking or chipping these nails because they have spent a great deal of money at the nail salon before going on the cruise. Naturally feces gets on and in the fingernails.
“Unless a women is pre-prepared with any of the various rectal cleansing foams or creams, or she is very diligent about washing her hands and scrubbing her nails, the norovirus is spread as soon as they leave the restroom. I know of no woman with nails like that who would sacrifice the nail for the sanitization.
“This selfish and unsanitary behavior readily spreads the dreaded Cruise Ship Virus, and in my opinion, women with long acrylic nails should not be allowed on a cruise ship. I have seen women with these kinds of nails who intentionally avoid the alcohol hand sanitizers offered all over the cruise ship. The alcohol in the hand sanitizer ruins their nails, and most of the time these self-centered and provincially vain women are headed into one of the ship’s restaurants where they will readily spread their stool (feces), which lives on those nails, onto everything they touch.”
Dr. Traherne continued:
“Damien LeGallienne‘s hypothesis, while written in a seemingly lighthearted and snarky manner, appears to be very viable and worthy of immediate investigation and research.
“If I were a betting man, and far less prone to speaking and thinking like a scientist and a physician, I would say that Damien LeGallienne has made a great discovery. His theory, something which was gleaned from simply watching an Italian-American psychic mix raw meat with bare hands which were decorated with long, white, acrylic nails, will prove to be the reason the norovirus spreads so readily on a cruise ship. It’s been the long, painted and feces tainted fingernails all along. How could we have missed that? It was literally right at our fingertips.” [Dr. Dean Traherne MD, Plum Island Norovirus Research Center.]
Lesson learned, folks? Women with long, acrylic nails, should not be making meatballs with their bare hands, even when they are not making food. When they poop, these women should always use rectal cleansing foams or creams. Also, they should thoroughly wash and scrub those nails even if doing so results in damage to the nails. Furthermore, I urge all travelers and the people who love them, to write to your Congressman and ask thim or her to prepare a law that will ban women with these shit-covered fingernails from EVER getting on a plane or a cruise ship. They are spreading human feces all over the world.
Damien LeGallienne reporting for TheDamienZone.com.
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