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Is Teddy Bear The Talking Porcupine a Hoax?

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Is Teddy Bear The Talking Porcupine a Hoax?

Damien LeGallienne

Reporting for: The Damien Zone.com

There’s a new IOC (Internet Only Celebrity) sweeping the through the meaningless lives of the mindless morons of Facebook and all the other kinds of “this-is-so-cute-you-have-to-watch-it” social media, but this latest one is really worth all the fuss — or is it?

As some of you know, I openly loathe the FSWS (Facebook Simpletons Who Share) community, but this time, they may have found an Internet Only Celebrity (I.O.C or Eye-Yok) who is really cute and totally adorable and incredibly loveable — and probably FAKE — but I’m kinda-sorta not sure yet.

Yes, of course I am talking about Teddy Bear the Talking Porcupine.

If you’re a Facebooker and you have some simple-minded Facebook friends — and who doesn’t — you probably already know all about Teddy and you’ve seen his viral videos.

You’ve seen him eating corn on Thanksgiving, rose petals on Valentine’s Day,  pumpkins on Halloween, and if you live in Vietnam — where they love to eat these critters — you will soon see him eating lead.

The gist of Teddy’s viral videos — the things that makes them so adorable and appealing to the mentally limited — is the fact that Teddy Bear the Porcupine, talks while he eats — or at least it sounds like he’s talking or mumbling.

“Teddy” — who refers to himself in the first person on his very own Facebook page — appears to make strange gurgling, peeping, murmuring and some outright creepy sounds when he eats something he especially likes. The final irony is that Vietnamese people make the same sounds when they eat porcupines — so that’s an interesting anthropological observation for those who enjoy that kind of scientific stuff.

Anyway, I can be a real killjoy — I know that.  I don’t do it because I “live in my mom’s basement” or I am “off my meds” or because I am “pathetic” and a “sad and unhappy little man.” I do it because truth is more important than anything. Without truth you don’t have truth and without truth you don’t have truth.

Keep an eye out for the puns in the next paragraph and see how many you can count. Every time someone on Facebook guesses which word is a pun and then shares this story with another Facebook friend, a sick baby will get a free heart transplant and a pet porcupine.

I know that some of you will take out your quill pens and hurl barbs in my direction because you love Teddy Bear The Talking Porcupine, but doesn’t a shiver go up your collective spines when you wonder if the voice of Teddy is perhaps dubbed by a human — like when Harry Mandel did the voice of Gizmo in the flamboyantly moronic film “Gremlins.”  I don’t want to be prickly about this, but something is suspicious about the whole thing. Some of you rodents out there don’t like my opinions — I understand. You can needle me all you want in the comment section.

Be that as it may, something is screwy about the whole thing. I keep watching and watching Teddy‘s videos — waiting for that slip-up where it becomes obvious that somebody is pulling a fast one — and I found it.  I found the gimmick within the gimmick.

There are already far too many still photos of Teddy posing on his Facebook and YouTube pages with various football team helmets as background props.  It looks like the master plan by Teddy’s “people” might be to create a new kind of spiny Spuds Mackenzie for want of a Super Bowl deal.  For that reason alone, I think Teddy’s hungry chatter is fake.

Sorry, but I think that Teddy Bear the talking porcupine is not the little Chat-N-Chew that somebody is making him out to be.

I asked an expert. I always find someone…sometimes I even check their credentials.

“Porcupines are very vocal creatures. They make all kinds of sounds but mostly they grunt or squeak to let other porcupines know where they are. They’re mostly nocturnal and it’s rather hard to determine which sounds come from which animals. Porcupines in captivity are usually quiet and as far as this Teddy the talking Porcupine thing goes, I have never seen these kinds of vocalizations from a porcupine…but anything is possible with an animal who is already known to vocalize. I once saw a cat who said ‘Mna Mna Mna Mna Mna Mna’ all day long, so maybe Teddy’s videos are real.”  You can learn a lot about this subject from this famous zoologist here – http://www.imdb.com/name/nm3834680/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1

Well — I don’t care what this expert says. Teddy has NOT appeared in National TV to strut his stuff — he is an IOC or INTERNET ONLY CELEBRITY — so that’s kind of suspicious right there.

I think — but I am not sure — that he had a chance to be on the Today Show with none other than that suave and debonair lady’s man-slash-meteorologist named Sam Champion, but he turned it down because of prior charity commitments. Sounds pretty prickly if you axe me.  What kind of charity event needs a procupine — Kids With Quills?  Sorry — I ain’t buyin’ it.

So the question remains: Is Teddy Bear the talking porcupine a hoax or is he real? The answer is — I DO NOT KNOW — I suspect he is totally fake — or at least his voice is fake — but then again, I am miserable son of a bitch and I live in my mom’s basement.

73 Comments
  1. Kim — if i had a dollar for the “your mom’s basement” remarks, I would be a billionaire. When you have something original to say, let me know. In the meantime, shut the fuck up.

  2. What happened in your life to make you such an unlikable prick to people enjoying something? “HURR DURR I DONT LIKE THIS, BETTER PULL OUT MY MIDDLE SCHOOL INSULTS FOR THIS ONE. THAT’LL SHOW THEM HOW UNHAPPY I AM”

  3. Do you know how many times people say the same stupid things? “Your life must be miserable” “You’re an unhappy person” — Listen up up you unimaginative hick who calls itself “WHO GIVES A SHIT” and lives in Shithole Spring, Texas — GET A FUCKING SENSE OF HUMOR. The whole thing went right over your redneck head.

  4. I think it’s a likely fake. I mean, I guess the porcupine *could* theoretically be making those sounds – I don’t know, I don’t hang with porcupines all that much. Although in the earlier videos, the porcupine is a lot quieter. But what gives it away is the woman’s voice – she sounds like an actress, not your typical ‘animal lover’ (which almost always stray into apoplexy at some point). She is far too measured in her speech. And her house looks like a set. I don’t know, it’s got production value all over it.

  5. I seen the video of the porcupine eating a pumpkin. I don’t know, it’d be pretty lame if it were fake. I found the video unsettling anyways. Fuggin thing sounds like a demon or a witch. I agree with what you said about truth as well although in this case i don’t think it has much of an overall impact on our already plenty f’d up enough society or the space time continuum. Whatever, party.

  6. Wow!! You are quite self-absorbed. I can also see you consider yourself a dominant class of humanity. You AREN’T!! You are NOT intelligent as you attempt to falsify in your writings. You are an idiot. I have read more intelligent statements in mentally-challenged educational books.

    You state: “As some of you know, I openly loathe the FSWS (Facebook Simpletons Who Share) community.”

    Guess what you waste of fucking skin, You are a hypocrite. Sharing your worthless two cents because YOU disagree and cloaking it to seem as though you are a superior mind and that your opinion is proper? You are doing EXACTLY what you say you hate. You are sharing a seriously brain-injured write up on your useless opinion that no one gives a shit about. Go fuck your hat you self-important, reason for birth contraception!!

  7. Dear STFU — The purpose of this blog is to expose human stupidity and dumbness. Almost always the stupidity and dumbness is provided by the people like you who comment. The subjects of the stories published are simply window dressing. Here, with your comments as testament to my blog’s mission, you have hoisted yourself into the heights of stupidity. I admire myself for being able to do that. I molded you into an in-humorous puppet. I should pity you, but I don’t. I am contented when simpletons like you fill my comment log with stupid and mindless content that I could never dream of in a million years. The time and effort you put into this — notwithstanding the fact that you don’t know how to use commas and your sentences are fragmented – is admirable. The stupidity runneth over. My heart is too full.

    Thank you
    Damien LeGallienne – Editor
    PS — Where can I find a “mentally challenged educational book” — ??

  8. I loved this post, but I hated the comments. The post was meant to be funny and lighthearted. The comments were full of hatred. I read all 57 comments and about 10 of them were nice (and that’s including the complementary comments from Damien).Y’all represent pretty much everything wrong with the internet.

  9. And how do you know that he’s not living in his mom’s basement bcs she’s old but doesn’t want a nurse… but she has a small house so there’s no guest bedroom so he has to live in the basement? I’m not saying that this is the case, but it is a possibility… maybe the reason he’s miserable is because the pipes are leaky and it’s all wet when he goes to sleep. But he does it anyway bcs he loves his mother. This probably isn’t true, but it never hurts to be nice :). Also, he is quite the pun master 😛

  10. Hello Isabella — Than you for noticing the hatred and stupidity inherent to so many comments. Truth be told, the purpose of this blog – my mission statement – is to expose human stupidity and dumbness. Sometimes, or perhaps more often, the comments expose the dumbness whereas the story itself is not actually about something stupid or dumb. Thank you for noticing,

    Damien LeGallinne — EDITOR

  11. I want my five minutes back! When you have some concrete evidence than you’re more than welcome to speak up.Otherwise keep your fingers busy doing something worthwhile, maybe even pleasuring yourself….geeze

  12. Are you so STUPID, Joelle that you did not see the humor in this article? This is why I say that my blog is devoted to human stupidity and dumbness. The stories themselves are not always about stupidity and dumbness but the comments often are. Thank you for making my job easy and proving my mission statement. Damien LeGallienne (editor)

  13. Hey, Damien. I agree with you. The truth is the most important thing and bending the “rules’ is bullshit.

    BTW, the voice of Gizmo was HOWIE Mandel, not Harry.

  14. I myself have been guilty of the share without fact check. I do try though to check out what I post first. Thats what led me here. I suspected the talking porcupine was not real and although cute did not want to be guilty of spreading a hoax. Truth is too easy to find on web. Seek it out before mindlessly hitting the share button. Guess Im a jerk too.

  15. Bliss, a man after my own heart. I have to stare in mild bemusement at the hate people have spouted on here. They are the ones perpetuating the “isn’t this cute? Like my share, and ooze gushing sickly-sweet insipidness at this cute-o-meter overload or a baby zebra will get mange and Harambe won’t be resurrected. While I acknowledge that the truth can be found through many avenues, a simple mental check of the feasibility of a video/post can do wonders for viral control. 98% of people can’t get this right. Oh yeah, well if YOU can get it right and you are one of the people who thinks this should be shared then chances are, more than 98% of people can get it right. Keep sailing into the wind Damien, some of us are willing blow in your direction, despite the tide of sentiment thinking they shouldn’t be thinking.

  16. You’re only a jerk if you don’t admit to being one — 🙂
    Damien LeGallienne (editor)

  17. Did I say “Harry” –? Of course I know it’s how Howie.

  18. You’re a fucking asshole.

  19. and you cannot read

  20. Well, if you spent thirty seconds looking up audio and video recordings of porcupine vocalizations, you’d find they sound *exactly* like Teddy. The best available evidence points to the video being real, and you being a slightly stupid misanthropic cunt lacking basic skills in searching for and logically evaluating evidence.

    Good luck with your lifestyle.

  21. Hey Bobtheaxolotl — Notwithstanding the fact that you misused the word MISANTHROPIC ( since we are talking about an animal not a human) – you don’t seem to understand the LEVITY and LIGHTHEARTED warmth of the article. It’s funny. Do you not understand that? Maybe it’s lonely up there in Mount Laurel, NJ where you spew out your stupidity. Like I always tell people; the mission statement of this blog is to expose human stupidity and dumbness. When those two atrocities are not apparent in the story, people like you who comment do the job instead. You are the MORON out there in the darkness. .

    Damien LeGallienne (EDITOR)

  22. Dude you’re kinda being a prick for no apparent reason. You can express your opinions or facts without calling people morons and simple-minded. Those people haven’t done anything to harm you in anyway. I’m sorry you don’t have social skills so let me offer this advice: don’t be a histrionic prick. Dramatizing the fact that people think a porcupine is cute or entertaining and degrading them for it is completely invalid. There are better ways to communicate your point.

  23. You’re the histrionic moron, Jesse, because your reading comprehension is really poor — it doesn’t even register on the Stanford–Binet Intelligence Scale. Do you not see the tongue-in-cheek nature of the article? Is it too complex for you to figure out that this is a good-natured poke at the whole internet meme phenomenon? Yes, I can get my point across in articles without calling people morons or simple-minded, but I cannot apply that kind of restraint where you’re concerned. Now come to my house like an angry weirdo and murder me.

    Damien LeGallienne
    Liege, Belgium

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