No, that is not a typo, and unless you’ve been living under a rock, you probably heard about this from one of your kids or you read it in the press or you heard if from the fat guy next door who lives in his mom’s basement and always comes home with the KFC 20-pieces with 4 sides that he’s already started eating as he’s getting out of his shitty car.
Okay, so the wining team is called the Aledo Bearcats and the losing team is Fort Worth Western Hills. Like I said, they’re both high schools. Aledo is really good and Fort Worth Western kind of stinks. Aledo is so good that they try to bend the rules a little to try and not beat the other teams so brutally. These guys on the Aledo team are so frigging manly and cool that their school doesn’t even have a drama club. That oughta tell you something right there.
Hey — the whole point of sports is discipline, talent and excellence, and if you’ve got it, you should flaunt it — right? Well, not according to one of the parents on the losing side.
If you can stop eating your morning toaster strudel for a moment so you don’t choke to death on the gooey center and the flaky crust, one of the parents whose kid plays on the losing team has filed a criminal complaint against Aledo’s coach Tim Buchanan. The charge — BULLYING!
Can you believe the dumbness? Can you believe the stupidity? Can you believe this parent…the PARENT? OH MY GOD! This person’s kid must want to run to the nearest Greyhound bus station right after he finds a nice photo of himself for the milk carton company.
Yes, it has to be that bad. The kid whose mother or father filed these charges is officially the most humiliated kid in the world. It’s bad enough to get all suited up for the big game and then get hammered 91 to zippo, but to have one of your folks turn out to be the a-hole of the century — holy shit — that’s gotta hurt.
NOTE TO PARENT: YOU ARE A TURD BERGER with extra CHEESE.
“I became a crack addict and a street hustler on Santa Monica Boulevard after my mother went to the principal of my school to tell him that another guy in my class wrote ‘fuktard‘ on the back of my shirt,” said Kenny Phobarth of Lanny, Idaho who is now the president of a group called Parents Humiliating the Occasionally Bullied, or P.H.O.B.
“My mother ruined my life. I literally worked my ass off on the streets because of her stupidity. I was ostracized and had to become a prostitute. The kid who wrote fuktard on me was a loser and I didn’t care that he ruined my old shirt, but my mom went to the principal and the kid, who was kinda pathetic anyway, got thrown out of school and ended up dying in the back of a cop car. My mother was really fucking dumb, and a lot of parents are fucking dumb. That’s why I formed PHOB after I straightened out my life.”
Kenny Phobarth is one of many younger people who were sorta-kinda bullied in school but didn’t really care, and are now emerging as a group who think that parents are often bigger assholes than small time bullies.
This most recent case involving the Aledo Bearcats and Fort Worth Western Hills has released a firestorm of PHOB members who think that parent who filed the charges should be stuffed inside a locker and puked on by students via the use of a funnel which is inserted into a hole drilled at the top of the locker. Then, after the parent is covered in puke, he or she is given a wedgie that will require hospitalization and maybe even surgery.
It seems that everybody is crying BULLY these days, but if your team can win by 100 points, I say you should win by 101. Don’t dumb down for these moronic parents. Just because your kid doesn’t play football really well doesn’t mean he can’t sing Okalahoma or I’m Gonna Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair in the schools springtime musical but…okay that’s a little gay…but maybe that’s what the kid is good at. If you can’t find anything the kid is good at then maybe being good at nothing is his style. Throw a little glitter on him and make him spartkle or something.
Note to parents: Do not humiliate your kids with your stupid and senseless insecurities. Find something that your kid can do well and put him in that. If your boy can ballroom dance or perfrom ballet better than Barishnikov, let him do it – and let him bully the shit out of the kids who can’t leap like a big swan-man.
If you’re son can design sequined evening gowns and lady’s business suits better than Halston or Chanel, let him do it, and if the other kids can’t even make a nice pair of sensible slacks — well screw ‘em. If the other boys don’t like him, he can always call them jealous bitches.
Do you see how bad things like this can get? So your kid lost a football game — don’t rub it in by being the a-hole parent. Your tight end son might end up walking the streets and find new life as a wide receiver just like Kenny Phobarth.