Does Chaz Bono Have A Penis On Dancing With The Stars?

chaz bono

SIDE NOTE: “After his new gig on Dancing With The Stars, Chaz Bono will play the part of Roseanne Barr’s husband in a new TV series, “Roseanne, The Later Years After My Daughter Became A Lesbian And My Husband Turned Out To Be A Female-To-Male Transexual.”   The part was originated by John Goodman and Chaz has done a good job of looking like Goodman — except Chaz is 100 pounds heavier. The show will air in September on ABC Family after Melissa and Joey.”  [Erin Spelling, Executive Producer.]

Now that the Santa Monica County Courthouse has officially designated Chaz Bono as a man and he is going to be guest dancer on Dancing With The Stars, wanted to ask a few questions about Chaz and the transsexual procedure and — who will he dance with?

We asked an expert on Dancing with the Stars, Dr. Dean Traherne, a gynecologist and dance instructor from the University of California School of Transgendered Medical studies.

THE DAMIEN ZONE — What are some of the limitations that a transsexual would have when going through the grueling rehearsals of a TV show like Dancing With The Stars?

DR. TRAHERNE — Chaz is going to have a few problems since reports alleged that he is coming in at about 360 pounds.  That’s a lot of weight and the testosterone shots he requires to keep him looking like a man — even though he looked like a beefy man for his whole life — will only make weight loss more difficult.  I hope that Chaz has had a full medical work-up prior to doing any heavy dancing — so to speak.

THE DAMIEN ZONE — Do you think now that Chaz is a full blown man according to the court’s papers and documents, that part of a physical examination would include turning his head and coughing while a doctor holds his testicles?

DR. TRAHERNE — I am not sure if Chaz has had the full works yet.  In other words, I am not sure that he has had a penis construction.  Obviously there would be no reason for balls — I mean, testicles —  if he hadn’t yet had a penis constructed.  Testicles with no penis would look pretty silly and why would you want your balls — I mean, testicles — to get all sweaty and itchy while you are dancing at that weight?  My best guess is that Chaz will wait until after he is eliminated from the show or perhaps wins,  until he gets a penis construction and a testicular prosthesis.  Also you have to take into account that it would be hard to find a doctor to hold Chaz’s balls — I mean testicles — for any reason.

THE DAMIEN ZONE — How do they make a new penis?

DR. TRAHERNE — It’s a pain in the neck and it looks terrible but the basic idea is that they grow some skin under the patients arm with a subcutaneous balloon implant and then after it’s big enough they cut it out to make a tube.  The tube is then filled with fat and and a hydraulic lift that gets big and hard when the patient squeezes a bulb in their balls — I mean, testicles.  The whole thing is a horror show and I advise my female to male transsexual patients to just buy a few nice suits from Joseph A. Bank and buy a strap on. 

THE DAMIEN ZONE — What other problems do you think that  Chaz will encounter on Dancing With The Stars.

DR. TRAHERNE — I think that the biggest problem will be his weight.  I have heard from my sources that the stage crew is reinforcing the stage to make it able to handle 400 pounds of swinging female-to-male transsexual fat.  That is going to be a mess — as will vaginal odor and irritation.