A website dedicated to human stupidity and dumbness

Lucille Ball is 100 — Her Daughter Lucie Arnaz is a jerk!

Lucille Ball is hacking away on her own smoke as she lies in her urn remembering her days in Hollywood and her 100th birthday.  She is smoking too much lately because her daughter Lucie Arnaz moved her urn to some shitty town in upstate New York. 

“That’s the advantage to being cremated,” said Benjamin Switchy, a mortician in Van Nuys.  “You can smoke after you’re dead.  In a casket it gets too stuffy.”

Smoke or no smoke, Lucie Arnaz, is having the happiest day of her life because today, Aug, 6, is the 100th birthday of her mother, the red-haired queen of television Lucille Ball.  

Since Lucy’s death, daughter Arnaz has made a living moving her mother’s remains around as though her ashes are on some kind of road show. 

Little Lucie has even gone so far as to move her mother’s remains to a new home in New York where she is enshrined at the semi-shitty and boring Lucille Ball museum where unmarried middle-aged men go with their elderly mothers and widowed aunts.

“Lucie Arnaz should try to live off her own talent and not have to keep trying to cash in on Lucy.” said a die-hard Lucy fan, Vinnie Crestini, 57, of West Milford, NJ.

“Let’s face it, Lucie Arnaz is no Lucille Ball.  She better not move Lucy ever again (her father was Desi Arnaz) – she is a real jerk.  I don’t know why  in Lucie Arnaz’s traveling dinner theater show I saw with my Aunt Nana in Branson, Missouri,  Lucie Arnaz she calls herself “The Legendary Lucie Arnaz” — legendary?  She’s not legendary.  Only Lucy and Desi and Vivien Vance are legendary.  Lucy didn’t take no shit from nobody.”

Lucie Arnaz is rumoured to be trying to bring her mother back to life and make even more money. 

“Miss Arnaz is so happy that her mother turned one hundred today and she’s not exactly going to let the fact that the legendary comedienne is dead,” said geneticist and pediatrician and mortician Dr. Benjamin Switchy.

“There are plans to recreate Lucy by cloning the cells from a blood sample taken when Lucy was a patient at Cedars Sinai where she yelled out those immortal words to nurses when her husband Gary Morton came to visit, ‘Get that motherfucker the hell out of my room.'”

Doctors are feverishly working on cloning Lucy and they are already a year late.  According to sources, they had already planned on having a newborn baby Lucy by today, but the sheep that was carrying the child died when Lucie Arnaz accidentally used it to make mutton stew.

“She did not know that it was her mother’s surrogate uterus sheep,” said Dr. Switchy. 

“We have hundreds of sheep here who are carrying the clones of movie stars.  Miss Arnaz had originally planned on eating the  ewe (fenale sheep) who was carrying the clone of Vivien Vance.   While Vance may be known worldwide as Lucy’s number one sidekick, Lucie Arnaz is hell bent on making sure that Vance never again sees the light of day.  Lucie wants to be her mother’s sidekick and no matter how many times we have tried to clone Miss Vance, Lucie Arnaz has eaten her pregnant mother sheep.”

Lucy used to have her ashes interred at Hollywood Forever Cemetery in Los Angeles, but now the Lucy dust is up at the Lucille Ball museum where dozens of people go every year to see dresses and other dumb things.   Had her ashes been left in Hollywood in that columbarium with all the other famous stars, she would have gotten the recognition she deserves in the place where she deserves to rest for all eternity.

 

24 Comments
  1. I’m noticing a pattern from you Damien that you don’t like talentless children of a growing number of “A” list stars, not withstanding sterilization what the hell are we gonna do with this never ending dilemma?

  2. I detest some “fame for no reason” people. I’m glad you noticed that I am not Fonda celebrity kids. Hollywood sucks because behind the scenes people — writers, producers, etc — bring their kids in — and they have no talent whatsoever, and then we end up with 3D blockbusters. This is why I admire European celebrities (exceot the Ozzy family because they are Euro trash) — you do not make it over there just because your mother was somebody — although the Euro Slacker Celeb Kid is about as low as you get. You see them in The Hamptons – where’s the great white sharks when you need them? In reality I have nothing against Lucie Arnaz other than the fact that she moved her mother’s ashes to a museum — ewww.

  3. Thank you, Damien, for this really good belly laugh. You rock!
    Lucie Arnaz

  4. Are you for real! First of all, get your facts straight! Lucille Ball is buried in a cemetery in Jamestown, New York – her birthplace. She is not on display in a museum, as you say. She is respectfully buried alongside her parents, grandparents and other ancestors. Wow! How horrible that her loving daughter would want to have her mother in a resting place surrounded by her family. The very tasteful monument reads: “You’ve Come Home.” By the way, before you rip into her about her father, his ashes were scattered at sea. Lucie has worked diligently to ensure her parents are remembered with the respect and dignity they deserve. Lucie is incredibly talented in her own right and has a very successful career. Perhaps you should see one of her shows sometime. She does not deserve your cruel words and this kind of treatment.

  5. Sandy — It’s nice that you stand guard for Lucie and Lucy but it’s a JOKE — and I believe that Lucie herself found it to funny. Also, read the new story about Lucy and Lucie that’s up today — I think that makes the whole thing rather obvious — this is not serious stuff here — although I did like Lucy’s old ash resting spot at the cemetery in LA — I keep thinking that it was Hollywood Forever but now I’m thinking that maybe I used to see them at Glendale — whatever — lighten up, honey!

  6. Ive heard of Lucy Arnez….Ive seen her in two movies and on TV. Who are you? And the Lucy-Dezi Museum in Lucys hometown will be around looong after you are buried and forgotten.

    You write high school insults and hope more people visit your website. Sounds like a great plan for honors, fame and fortune. Good luck with that.

  7. Sandra Forletta, truthsucks – Security! I’m actually a woman and I don’t know Damien but I enjoy his articles and generally share his views but occasionally dissent. You two dopes sound like 2 transylvanian whores with torches chasing this guy down the street. I just so happen to be a woman and I have a giant vagina, and anytime Lucy jr. wants to come in from the cold, tell her to stop by and hop into my love muffin, you 2 can join…..the sidewalks get cold especially for untalented twits, hop in momma I’ll take care of ya

  8. Okay, I guess I was punked on this one! I didn’t see the other article until after I posted my comment. I will lighten up. It just seemed pretty nasty and I wanted Lucie to know I have her back. She really is a sweet person.

  9. I know she’s a sweet person — she is very beautiful too — I’m not some kind of evil troll.

  10. BTW, When I first posted my comment, Lucie’s comment was not visible. If I had seen that, I would have known better. Now my comment appears just below hers and I look like a moron for taking it seriously. Oh well, I’ll survive the embarrassment!

  11. I’ll take it down if you want me to, but I think it was well written and in keeping with the fabric of the website —

  12. WINDBAG!

  13. You know what’s weird Lucie — You and I have a mutual friend in showbiz. Also, I would not write about you if I didn’t think your name would get people to read my site. I changed a few things ‘in that piece cause it was a little hard for people to see the satire very plainly. But I got hit hard by your fans –so I was right that it would attract attention. Maybe you are legendary 🙂

    Damien

  14. Damien : insults are insults. Pretending they are just a joke is not honest.

    worldclass: ironic that you would use the word “class” in your moniker.

    And whoever is pretending that Lucie Arnez thinks this is actually funny, or even knows who Damien is, …well they are severely disconnected from reality.

  15. Okay you are blocked — nothing you write will arrive in my mailbox

  16. Im BLOCKED !!! Wow. What happened to “don’t every try to downtalk me. I will always win.” lol. Guess its hard to “win” when someone calls you on your childish put downs.

    If you plan on making a career out of this, don’t be such a pu-say. Learn to take it as well as you dish it out.

    Congrats on blocking me.

  17. I didn’t really block you because I predicted to a friend what your response would be — thanks for not letting me down. By the way, there is a new story about Sinead on the website and it speaks only of her goodness.

  18. scroll up the name changed from truthsucks to truthsucks2, and Lucie actually commented what an honor what a cougar..

  19. Yup — that was the real Lucie Arnaz — she is very attractive even if she does move ashes faster than Mount Vesuvius.

  20. DDM I moved them because our whole family is buried in this plot at the Lakeview cemetery in Jamestown, NY. the town my mother was born in. ALl the Ball/Hunt Family including her father, grandfather and grandmother, great grandparents, her mother and her brother, Fred. And as The Lucille Ball Desi Arnaz Center for Comedy is there, about 3,000 more people a year visit her ashes there than they did in LA. Anytime you’d like to visit Jamestown, I am sure they would be happy to give you a personal tour.

    I still think what you wrote was funny. It was so very mean and so vicious, how could I NOT laugh.
    Blessings, LucieA

  21. The funny thing is that I write a really nasty article about Lucie and get a good-natured response. Class? I wrote an article about David Oreck (the vacuum cleaner infomercial guy) and I accused his company of cranking up the infomercial volume and waking me up at night — for THAT I got a nasty letter. There are two people I love to joke about — One is Lucille Ball and the other is Joey Lawrence — why? I don’t know — I guess I actually like them and don’t want them to screw up. Of course Lucy is past screwing up, but man of her die-hard male fans are strange people and that makes me want to mess with their heads.

  22. Wait, this is a joke… right? It’s funny because Ms. Lucie is one of the nicest and most considerate people I have ever met. Besides, as far as I remember Lucy is in the same place in Jamestown as her family. Personally, I find that better than being out in Hollywood. Anyways, I know I’m late on this, but I came across it online and thought it was funny.

    — Kindest Regards

  23. I had a good laugh in my igloo in Canada, I’m glad it didn’t collapse!!! I think the beautiful Lucie Arnaz’s statement said it all

  24. Lucy is rotted. No more bourbon mixed in her coffee for Lucy. Boo-hoo. And as for Lucie Arnaz, thank God there is no show called “I Love Lucie”. . . . no-talent brat.

Leave a Reply