BREAKING NEWS! In what might turn out to be the biggest scandal to hit the Royal Family since rumours of gay oral sex with Prince Charles, it seems that Kate Middleton might be a runaway bride who has ditched Prince William in favour of his younger brother, Prince Harry.
I knew it wasn’t to be,” said Kate Middleton’s bedraggled mum as she ironed a cart-full of wrinkled shirts in the cramped Brixton flat she shares with her husband, mother-in-law Minerva and a starving family from Uganda.
“I just take in ironing and watch the bicycle races from here. Kate used to sit here with me under the ironing board when she was a just a bit of a thing. She started out with William a few years ago and he was nice enough but that’s how I got stuck with this frigging bloody starving Ugandan family in the flat. The bloody wanker dumped them on my doorstep. He wouldn’t do that to his grandmother, would he?”
Mrs. Middleton stopped to light up a cigarette but continued her story.
“Kate was always a very fickle girl and you couldn’t count on her. The one thing you could count on was that she went for firecrotch blokes — and now it’s come to this. She takes after me in that respect I imagine. Let’s just say that I am not surprised. It’s bloody awful, that’s what it is. I hope she doesn’t pawn the ring and go to Las Vegas — she did that to the last fellow. She’s a heartless little slit, she is. The really heartless ones end up with some old American named Goldstein or Goldberg. I wouldn’t put it past the likes of her.”
Mrs. Middleton was talking about the recent rumours in the UK that Kate Middleton has ditched Prince William in favour of the younger Prince Harry with only a few weeks left before the two are scheduled to get married in grand style. According to sources close to Prince William, Palace authorities were unable to locate Middleton yesterday and when William anxiously called Harry to tell him of the missing betrothed he could hear Kate giggling in the background.
“She’ll come back and make a go of it I think because she likes to ride in carriages,” said Mrs Middleton as she flipped a few sausages with one hand while ironing with the other. “She just needs to get Harry out of her system but it wouldn’t surprise me if she had a quick bun in the oven and it was born a month early with red hair. I think she wants to have a baby that has red hair and doesn’t go bald like Willy’s child would, and like I told you, she likes the firecrotch lads, she does.”
Mrs. Middleton returned to her ironing and refused to say anything else about her runaway bride daughter.