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Charlie Sheen’s kids are alright!

Charlie Sheen’s kids — the ones who were supposedly taken away by child welfare people, are actually having a great time with their dad in Haiti where they have all gone to help with earthquake relief. 

They are being helped by pranks and delusions expert, Heather-Anne Ruby — the recently discovered granddaughter of Jack Ruby, the man who allegedly killed Lee Harvey Oswald.

“Charlie dragged the kids out of here and pretended that it was some state government agency,” said Manny Ruiz-Cobol, 45, the guy who blows the leaves and turns on the sprinklers for several homes in Sheen’s neighborhood.

“They got guys dressed as some kind of officials to put the kids in the car but then they headed straight for the airport in Burbank and took a private jet to Haiti where Charlie can continue to rebuild the whole country with his own hands.  I know he can do it too because I have seen him pick up entire palm trees and rip them right out of the ground.  Regular people do not understand his super human abilities.  He’s a volcano and the rest of the world is a wet match — well, that’s what he told me.”

According to sources close to TheDamienZone, this ongoing ruse that has Charlie Sheen losing his mind and that he has been fired by the producers over at his sitcom — and now the rumors that his kids have been hauled away is totally bogus and has been fueled and orchestrated by publicity stunt expert,  the aforementioned Heather-Anne Ruby. 

Heather-Anne Ruby, 49, has been pulling pranks since she was a little girl.  She was such a prankster that it seems Jack Ruby didn’t even know that she existed until he found out today in a seance held by Nancy Reagan at Zsa Zsa Gabor’s house where,according to witnesses,  a group of spiritualists tried to make contact with Zsa’a Zsa’a amputated leg.

“The Kennedy thing was losing its sea legs and I needed to get taht ball rolling again,” said Ruby from her apartment atop a strip joint in Dallas. 

“I got a call from Nancy Reagan and she told me that my grandfather had appeared to her at a seance in Beverly Hills.  I knew then I had to do something with my old pal Charlie Sheen.  We haven’t hung out since the planned implosion that was orchestrated by Dick Cheney –when he intentionally dropped the World Trade center way back in 2001 so that we could have a war in Bulgaria.”

“Charlie listens to me because he’s a modern Prometheus in a world full of brainwashed car-wash driers.  He knows that 9-11 was a planned implosion and he knows that JFK was killed by 20 bullets that were fired from a transparent blimp.  He also knew that I was working on this story and he wanted to help but he felt that he was too distracted by the show and his role as a celebrity.

“I came up with the idea to fake that he had lost his mind.  It’s what I do.  I grew up in the world where the JFK conspiracy was a big thing but then The Discovery Channel made a fake documentary where they “proved”–yeah right —  that the whole thing was the work of Oswald.  Of course I know that this documentary was fake because I’m a Ruby and being a Ruby is like being a diamond only you have to work a little harder to get respect. I’m doing with Charlie Sheen, the same thing The Discovery Channel did with the Grassy Knoll — only I am doing it for the benefit of all mankind.  I’m a freaking Cupacabra, man!”

So Jack Ruby’s newly discovered granddaughter is a chupacabra and she concocted the whole Sheen insanity drug thing.  Ahhh!   And now she has bolstered the story by pretending that Sheen’s kids have been taken away.  She is as ingenious as her late, but still talking, grandfather.

“Charlie will pop up in Haiti as a magical Caucasian by lifting a fallen building off of a prized cat who will be found alive after all this time.” said Ruby.

” He will use his own mental powers to find the cat and then his super-human strength will take over. 

“He will pick up over 50 tons of debris and free mice and bugs too.  He will then march bravely throughout Haiti and lift building after building — even if they are new constructions.  He doesn’t care.   He is Apollo 11 and the rest of the world is a crop duster — he told me that and I was amazed at how true it really is.”

Ruby revealed that the secret code for the planned child abduction by authorities was announced at the Academy Awards show on Sunday night.

“If you play back the Osacrs show on TIVO and count the moments in 10ths and 100ths, when the movie “The Kids Are Alright” is mentioned and divide that by the combined weight of Oprah Winfrey’s two breasts – (200lbs)  – you will get a message that tells about the whole plan.  It’s a 70-letter message and it tells the story in Twitter format,” Ruby said as she bullied her way past a guy in a white cowboy hat and shot a guy on the street who loooked like he knew something about something.

Poor Charlie Sheen. He has to go all through this just to help prove that President Kennedy was shot from a transparent blimp.  The man is a true hero and his kids are having a great time in Haiti.  According to eyewitness accounts, they now have Chuck Lorre dolls and boxes of sharp pins.  This is going to be good fun for everybody.    Even Lorre had a chuckle — and a few sharp pains.

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