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NEWS FLASH: PARIS HILTON SENTENCED TO DEATH.

The blond heiress shrieked in terror as the the judge handed down the sentence – Death by hanging.   Several of Hilton’s hangers-on had to actually hang on to the doomed Paris as she slumped to the floor.  Hilton had been found with cocaine at a Las Vegas hotel and was found in violation of her parole.  The judge took into account a little known law wherein California demands that parolees who are caught with cocaine within 100 yards of a casino receieve the death penalty.

“I have never been dead before,” shrieked the shaken Hilton at the judge. “Can’t I just be set free on my own recognizance and drink and drug myself to death?”

Of course the judge said no to this request, but to assuage the horror of the sentence, she gently informed Hilton that the noose used to hang her would be designed by Isaac Mizrahi and the actual gallows stairs she will climb will be designed by a guy who did stage design for Andrew Lloyd Weber and Kanye West.

Despite the judge’s impeccable record a tragedy occurred earlier in the day in the very same courtroom when gossip columnist Perez Hilton went before the same judge with a speeding ticket.  Believing that Perez was Paris, the judge sentenced  Perez to death.  Before the oversight was realized, Perez Hilton was in the back of a county morgue van after being hanged in the square behind the courthouse.

“I sentenced him to death by accident because I can’t seem to keep track of the names lately,”  said the 87 year old judge Fiona Brandeis.  “When I handed down the sentence the defendant giggled at me as though the whole thing was a big joke.  Of course that ticked me off but I wouldn’t have sent him to the gallows.  I thought he was that other girl with the coke and Valium.  I can’t blame it on age because I really fucked up with Frances farmer a few years ago.  I think I put her in a nuthouse or something.”

Paris will be given a last meal tonight that will be prepared by the over-hyped short order cook Wolfgang Puck.   Puck was a last minute change when limey restaurateur and asshole Gordon Ramsay refused to cook for Hilton unless she ordered something he could kill with a stun gun on national television.

“I am an animal killer,” said the mottled faced Ramsay as he shot a bullet into a lamb he had raised.  “This little bloke thinks I am his friend (BANG) but tonight he will be dinner for me and my hideous family.  If my self-killed food is not good enough for Paris Hilton then I will not cook her last meal — besides, I am opposed to capital punishment.”

Today there is no more Perez Hilton and tonight there will be no more Paris Hilton.  It’s so nice — it’s almost like living in China.

4 Comments
  1. Guess I’ll have to settle for the Best Western next time I’m travelling in the most well-known city in France.

  2. Paris, Shmaris — the south of France is much more exciting. Thanks for reading and commenting.
    Hope you’re not Armenian 🙂
    Damien

  3. Irish Catholic in fact, Damien, tho’ I once worked with an Armenian piano player.

  4. Where did he steal the piano?

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