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GOD DECLARES: “Zsa Zsa Gabor’s Last Rites have expired and her husband is going to Hell.”

“When you die, you get a thing that’s kind of like a Last Rites inspection sticker,” said John Hightower, a hippy kind of a guy who almost died of an acid overdose at Woodstock in 1969 and who says he works for God and also moonlights for the Holy Spirit on weekends. 

 “Man, Zsa Zsa Gabor got the Last Rites like years ago, so if she dies she has to get them again because her sticker is totally expired.”

As TheDamienZone.com readers might know, Zsa Zsa was supposed to be near death last week and last month and last year and last century.  Her fake Prince of Belair husband called a priest (and a lot of reporters) so that his beloved( for her money) Zsa Zsa could get the Last Rites of the Catholic Church, but it seems — according to Mr. Hightower — Zsa Zsa jumped the gun because not only is she still alive, her soul has become “recontaminated with all kids of bad shit and totally raunchy Karma” because that scaramental administration of the last rites has expired.

We got an inside scoop on all of these wild and crazy shenanigans from this Hollywood writer who thinks it’s a riot —>http://www.imdb.com/name/nm3834680/

“You’re supposed to get the last rites like minutes or even seconds before you die,” continued Hightower.  “This Zsa Zsa kind of over-did the whole thing and now she’s gotta start all over again.  I don’t know what was on her mind cause she didn’t die. Also God thinks she made a public spectacle of her Last Rites so that’s a sin too and if you want to get technical her Last Rites never really kicked in — it’s complicated, man.”

“Like when I almost died, it was kind of like sudden, you know?  So when I got before god and shit I was without my Last Rites sticker and that was  like getting on an airplane with a super ultra economy class ticket.  I mean, look at the shit I have to do around here on earth now.  Dude, God is really old and sometimes I have to take care of him.  I mean like, he is really really old and…well,  I don’t want to get into it.”

TheDamienZone.com knows that only Roman Catolics and Anglicans get the last rites, so what happens to all the non Catholics who die since none of them arrive at the pearly gates with that last rites stamp?  TheDamienZone.com is not afraid to ask this loony guy the tough questions.

“Man, don’t even get me started on that stuff,” ranted Hightower.  “I was like Catholic when I was a little dude but I like totally switched to being a Buddhist when I started getting high and dropping acid, but since I never really converted to Buddhism and never even knew what the hell it was,  I was registered up here as a Catholic.  I got a shit deal beacause I was Catholic. you can’t get out of that Catholic contract, dude.  Once you’re in there you’re fucked. 

“God treats everybody else really good – especially people who were just nice people on Earth, but God says that  Catholics have all these “strange Gods before yee,” like it says your not supposed to do in  the Ten Commandments. 

“Catholics believe in Saints, and God thinks that they are false idols, so if you pray to saints you’re pretty much screwed big time.  Only the saints themselves have it worse than the people who pray to them. 

“Man, those saints did all that praying and getting leprosy and TB and shit, and they were good people, but they get treated like shit up there.  I saw it with my own eyes.  

” Like Mother Teresa for example,” said Hightower as he punched his time card at Denny’s. “She busted her ass on Earth but up there she has to drive the school bus for all the dead kids in Limbo — and some of those kids are pretty fucked up, let me tell you that right now.”

According Hightower, God has officials in heaven and he has issued an official memo that Zsa Zsa Gabor has to get the last rites again before she dies or else when she finally arrives she will have to work in sanitation or food services.  This guys says this all with a straight face.  He’s totally serious….and shit.

The memo also states that Gabor’s husband, Prince Von something or other has, “no shot” and  he’s going straight to hell in a hand-basket.   Even though this sounds like a biblical crock of shit, we think it’s cool that God’s memo says, he’s got  “no shot.” 

“You know who’s got it made in heaven,” said Hightower.  “The Shanty Irish — like the Kennedy’s.  They always get the last rites.  President Kennedy made it under the wire by 3 millionths of a second.  Yeah he was pretty dead when he got the last rites in Dallas, but some cells in his head were still firing so lucky for him, right?  If that priest had been a a few seconds later, JFK would be working for RFK up there, but instead it’s the other way around just like it was on Earth.”

The Vatican is supposed to dispatch a representative to Beverly Hills sometime this week to deliver the news to Zsa Zsa — if she doesn’t comply within 24 hours, they put a big metal cuff around her leg and she can’t go anywhere when she gets to heaven– she can’t even get to the funeral parlor for chrissakes.  And speaking of Christ… 

 “He makes the old man do all the work,” said Hightower.  “He’s never around.  He’s always with Moses and Abraham and Noah — all those Jewish guys stick together.  Jesus has kind of an attitude and he’s got all these people who hang around — like an entourage so I don’t even know him. The Holy Spirit on the other hand has absolutely nothing to do but I make a few bucks working for him so I keep my mouth shut, but off the record I don’t even know what the hell the holy spirit is except that his name is on my paycheck. This Holy Trinity thing is working out okay for me but if I had gotten the last rites at Woodstock, and had officially registered as a Buddhist, I’d be sitting mighty fucking pretty right now.”

2 Comments
  1. why would u even write such idiotic crap?

  2. Because it’s what I do — why do you live like a fucking hick in the hills of the Ozarks or wherever the fuck you are in Tennessee? I met a guy who knew this crazy guy and he has a crazy story to tell. I interviewed him and this is the story I assembled around my notes. Are you too good to read about the rantings of a crazy person?

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