First Rush Limbaugh went deaf and then Glenn Beck annnounced that he’s going blind, but just when you thought the news couldn’t get any worse, it was announced today that Sean Hannity’s doctor’s have discovered that the Fox pundit is rapidly losing his sense of touch.
“In a few more weeks he won’t be able to feel anything,” said his doctor Shamus O’Magillicutty. “He will never know if he himself is scratching his balls or if someone else is doing it for him and to me that’s the biggest tragedy.”
Hannity is taking this in stride and he has the support of fans. Even his former rival Alan Colmes said he was deeply touched by Sean Hanitty’s inabilty to touch.
“I really feel for him,” said Colmes. “I have to because pretty soon he won’t be able to feel for himself–haha. But seriously folks, I don’t know what’s going on and why conservative pundits are losing their senses, but some say they have been losing their senses for years. I know that Arrianna Huffington can no longer feel her vagina so perhaps it’s not only a conservative problem but then again you’d have to be pretty liberal to go down there.”
Hannity will continue to work but assistants will have to tell him when he is holding a microphone and not a fork in a toaster.
“A lot of people think I might be out of touch already,” quipped Hannity with a smile. “But I noticed last week that I had my hand between Neil Cavuto’s legs and didn’t feel a thing. My doctor says that the nerves that are responsible for touch are degenerating and in a few years I won’t be able to feel a thing, but they are encouraging me and cheering for me and I think that’s very touching — although I can’t feel it.”
“I wished this on them,” said allegedly insane TV anchor Keith Olbermann from his voodoo cave in Haiti where he spends hours each week wishing death and illness and infirmity on people.
“I wished deafness on Limbaugh, blindness on Beck and this is the best I could do with Hannity. I’m a little torn about what to wish on Bill O’Reilly though. I mean, I could take away his sense of smell but then it wouldn’t be any fun if I spread dog shit all over his house like I had planned.”
When Hannity learned that Olbermann was behind all of this he was not angry.
“No hard feelings,” said Hannity. “I mean, literally — no hard feelings. Even if I had any, I couldn’t feel them.”
Despite his death and illness wishes, Olbermann is not above losing things himself. In ten years he has lost just about every job he’s ever had and he’s lost pretty much all of his viewers.